Life Transformations -Revisited; (Drawing a line in the sand)
In the Fall of 2024
I have witnessed the mass devastation , despair and fury of natural disasters play out in horrendous ways over these several weeks. I always wonder, what separates us in survival - man or beast at such times? What allows some to survive, re-tool and ultimately thrive, while others remain in a fetal position?
Threre is no ‘secret formula’…. but I believe genetics combined with ‘a certain kind of upbringing has a lot to do with how our lives evolve…or not. Some of us donate, contribute what we can to the victims, which, perhaps is akin to a ‘teaspoon of water in the ocean.’ But, it is still valid and still from the heart in the face of tremendous need.
We must always be aware that there are those who have a worse plight than we do… even in times when we too, need comforting! What will the thousands of people do who have suffered unspeakable losses, never to be recaptured? We can only speculate. At a certain point, I try not to take on such a worry and ‘tuck in in my heart’ so-to-speak.
ADAPTABILITY AND RESILIENCE-
These two ‘survival methods’ have been my ‘modi operandi’ forever! I think they are ingrained in my DNA. However I know that not everyone possess them. They usually work for me in the grand scheme of life, but not 100% of the time.
I have made so many transitions in my life, having to shift gears yet again. It often coincides with life milestones for most people attending college, then graduate school, engagement, marriage , birth of children, travelling to some other exotic location, changing careers, retirement and ultimately ‘finding the best fit’ at the later third of one’s life. My earlier life was innundated with hospitlizations and surgeries which did not set me on the usual path. Although I have not had the for some of these milestones, I did not have the desire for some of the usual milestones. Luckily, my mind’s age, curiosity and ambition still does not match/ hasn’t caught up to my chronological age. That is what I rely on and treasure at times.
However, there are many times in life when we MUST, MUST. MUST draw that line in the sand.
That time was never so clear to me after a traumatizing weather event that I suffered through that ‘pushed me to the brink.’ I would like to share it again in hopes of other’s understanding how ‘singlehood’, disability and lack of assistance ‘as a steady diet’ can make your spirit ‘crash and burn.’…. only to be reborn again…down the road
For years, I’ve gone at full speed, living off of adrenaline and passion, successfully dividing my time among the “must do’s” and some “want to dos,” shedding and sacrificing the rest for the greater good. I have created my normal out of a new normal existence after homicide many years ago. I have always made a patchwork quilt of organization and juggling with incredible endurance that has served me well for the most part.
Earning a living in health care and then in a stilted government environment that expects me to play the bureaucratic game “within the box” is contrasted by a wild card of creativity consisting of writing, blogging, radio hosting, promoting, consulting. Included in that life, admittedly I sometimes go kicking and screaming at the artificiality of social media which is clearly not my style. Enter the electronic world that challenges my coordination and patience more than the average bear. But I keep going...
I have lived a lifetime with a permanent disability, classified “severe on paper”, but just a nuisance in reality, through years of honing compensatory strategies to do what needs to be done when no one else is around. This has become second nature.
Over a decade ago I focused on future goals to live in a warm climate to make life easier someday “when older age catches up.” I delved into the experience of becoming a second homeowner in my chosen transplanted state as an investment and to live a more peaceful solo life someday. Four years into the real estate game, I have learned so much on this tumultuous ride. At the same time, other opportunities for which I have waited so long, may be finally coalescing!
Prosthetic and orthotic technology just entered my world at this busy time in life as well, potentially opening the door to safer, more efficient, and easier manner of walking and positively affecting longevity (once the bugs are worked out through creative problem solving). Who would have thought this was possible?
And then…. life catches up and you realize how much energy you are expending. For example, when you travel solo with a disability, although I pack well, and try to be as organized as possible, I have learned my limitations. I may be able to board the plane first, but… You can only carry so much with crutches and balance issues. I have no one to watch my possessions.There is no one in your party to wait on you to run up for a cup of coffee or a meal during a layover. Sometimes, I do not have the luxury of time to use the facilities when they put you through the paces at security. I are dependent upon others for assistance and must also carry plenty of “tip money.” For the trip, I are known as “the wheelchair person” in order to make your connections on time. This is only temporary and then I can return the genuine unique person I always was once I arrive at my destination. All this, is necessary in order to experience life, to travel versus being “stuck in your house” if you can figure out a plan.
All of this was pretty routine for me. However, it all changed for me in a split second after a recent business- vacation trip- an epiphany of sorts! Due to extreme, premature winter weather, I, along with thousands of others, endured numerous changes (five for me) - involving itinerary time, terminal, airline and connection changes. Following this ordeal, the freak Northeastern Pre-Thanksgiving snowstorm made me face further limits of my resilience, endurance and sanity on top of the six hour flight delays!
I never felt so alone and helpless in my life with nowhere to turn!
Upon returning to snowy Connecticut, I summarized it as such-
“Late Night Update- 11:30 p.m. I just got home since the initially intended 12:40 p.m noonish flight. from MB and after a very hazardous and careful 2 hour drive from the airport driving 20 mph all the way from the airport! (normally a 45 minute drive) Got stuck twice. Thanks Mr. State Policeman who was shutting down Rt -5-15 and told me to go through Wethersfield-(a bit better) and the truck driver who helped; My phone died, then they hadn't yet plowed my condo complex! The snow was too high for me to walk! Thanks Ralph the orange payloader guy who just carried my suitcases and parked my car for me! I have to commend the pilots from Charlotte to Hartford- Windsor Locks for their skills! But, I personally, have to get out of this God forsaken State ASAP! Too much, abuse, trauma and drama! I'm going to bed in my clothes... “
It has taken a good 48 hours to recover physically and psychologically from this ordeal, as I am not as young or agile as I used to be. I have decided and tearfully confirmed with a family member, that I can no longer stand firmly with one foot in two states, especially one that has 10 inches of snow in November! I have fought this fight for years and do not, cannot struggle alone in the snow in the manner described above ever again!
I have to be better to myself, and seize all opportunities that come my way or create new ones to leave as soon as possible. It is just too much! I have reached my limit for these burdens and cannot carry them anymore.
***It is high time to simplify, downsize from my birth state with a dark and dismal future of survival, and make my life easier...even if I have to continue to go it alone. I have officially drawn my line in the sand! I feel a sense of relief, knowing that this has to come sooner versus later.
Your TakeAway in 2024- May your ‘line in the sand’ be not nearly as traumatic… and may you always prepare the best you can for the unexpected! I tried the best I could!
Warm Regards,
Donna