The Answer to the Whys in Life- Unshared Values
A wise person, an MSW counselor I know, has reminded me a few times… the why” of it all… I hear it, but often don’t internalize it. I am still pushing on toward my goals.
Admittedly, I am a driven, Type A personality who thrives on productivity and getting results. However, life doesn’t always fit this scenario that has been effective for me so often in the past.
There could be a million reasons why things don’t work out in life.
It suddenly occurred to me that this concept of others not sharing my values makes perfect sense!
What is the meaning of a person’s value system?
A person's "value system" is a collection of beliefs and principles that guide their decisions and actions, essentially representing what they consider important in life, shaping their perception of right and wrong, and influencing how they interact with the world around them; it is formed by a combination of personal experiences, cultural influences, and upbringing, and can include values like honesty, kindness, family, and equality.
Real life interpretations of where a person’s values rest and whether they are similar or dissimilar to our own, comes from their behavior, upbringing, culture, intelligence, education, life experiences, etc.
All of us are constantly making subconscious judgments during our daily interactions as to what we can do and not do; who we allow into our circle and more. ***The cause, problem or event may be very worthy…But just not part of our value system.
As for Unshared Values, with someone, we might say to ourselves any of the following- Not Interested in ‘X’; Not a priority for me; Not in my life or educational experience; ‘Too bad…but not my problem; I’m too busy; It’s too expensive; ‘X’ makes me feel uncomfortable.
In my adult life, particularly after my Dad’s homicide, I ‘elected myself’ to stand up for justice as well as so many other issues I adopted previously. I chose to be the voice for me and others… However, it can be a lonely place when you’re ‘the only Warrior Princess or Prince within a thousand miles… or seemingly so if others don’t share your beliefs or passions.
The lack of shared values occur in so many aspects of life-
A family who is very disconnected, non-communicative or non-supportive. Why? They don’t share my value system and never have done so. It is still difficult to accept even after all these years; There is nothing I did wrong - just that they don’t share what I feel is important.
Community residential settings where I have lived, where all of the ideas have to come from the powers that be, rather than embracing us for our personalities, talents and skills we have to offer freely in our home setting.
Institutional settings are great at control… But please don’t ask them to think out of the box or accept a new idea from a resident; I think they often feel threatened. They clearly are not divergent free thinkers and don’t share my value system; They are for profit businesses.
Living in the South after being brought up in New England can be quite a culture shock if you are not prepared for it. Of course, there are quite a few pluses- including the weather, the hospitable nature of locals . But, throw all of your assumptions out the window. Get ready for a slower pace of life… get it done whenever, if at all with follow up being a foreign concept in much of the business world. “You’re at the Beach, Relax! “ If people show up late or not at all… that’s beach time! Again, a different value system.
When it comes to rallying around an issue, how do you get others to join the bandwagon? How does it affect them? If it doesn’t, it’s an uphill battle and a long struggle.
Current Example - My crusade to expose the problem of lack of knowledge and use of Universal Design in the hotel Industry. Recently it has negatively impacted many plans I had, with no change in sight for the foreseeable future because the hotel industry has failed to be educated about nor adopt universal design, denying me access to a few important activities. This is totally unacceptable in 2025 and so unfair!
***A whopping 53% of adults with disabilities report staying in a hotel or motel within the past two years.
****And the bad news? Nearly 46% of these travelers say they have faced major accessibility obstacles during their stay. - (July 2024)
According to recent studies, disabled travelers in the U.S. contribute approximately $50 Billion to the economy annually. ( Those using companions to assist push it up to be over $100 Billion per year!)
It sounds like very good business sense to me!
Excellent Resource- https://www.ezeeabsolute.com/blog/inclusive-hospitality-for-guests-with-special-abilities/
***However, if you don’t know someone with a disability and you have a rather stereotyped view of who a disabled person truly is, it’s a matter of ‘Not interested, not my problem, no shared values!
Advocacy Online - I have witnessed over 45 years of advocacy regarding crime victims, disabilities, missing persons, LGBTQ+ etc. The passion is there for all advocates, typically fueled by a life tragedy. Perhaps a dozen years ago, it used to be that everyone passed messages and posts, commented and responded to pleas for help. But today, often the pleas go unanswered. There may be a ‘like’ or ‘care’ icon pressed… but priorities are different .. and many don’t share the values even though they may have empathy.
For today’s youth in particular, social media may provide a sense of false connection
"Modern Loneliness" by Lauv: Captures the feeling of being connected digitally but still feeling alone…. Partial Lyrics-
“Modern loneliness, we're never alone But always depressed, yeah; Love my friends to death; But I never call and I never text, yeah; La-di-da-di-da You get what you give and you give what you get, so ; Modern loneliness, we love to get high But we don't know how to come down…” (Unshared Values)
Video- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bDidwMxir4o
Other Examples-
Single People- A person who remains single versus getting married.
Why did they not get married? Not the right time; Couldn't find the right person; Other priorities… It boils down to lack of shared values…. Or not enough shared values to take the plunge.
Song-“That’s the Way I’ve Always Heard it Should Be “- (Carly Simon -1970) -(Shared Values)
But you say it's time we moved in together
And raised a family of our own, you and me
Well, that's the way I've always heard it should be
You want to marry me, we'll marry”
Video- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q-5rsT8DcLE
You Don’t Own Me- The First Wives Club-(Unshared Values)
2) Getting a Divorce- Why do people get a divorce?
It could be financial problems, substance abuse issues, family/conflict regarding children, Infidelities; or …just growing apart.
‘Just growing apart’ or engaging in any such behaviors listed, truly means their values have changed, or perhaps they never meshed in the first place! Love can be blind…
Musical Example - Pistol Annies- “Got My Name Changed Back-” 2019 Amusing; Definitely Unshared Values
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cr0ktKa7SaQ
3) Friendships - Your best buddies in high school and college - It is rare and wonderful that people keep up these long ago friendships with the passage of time. They go their separate ways, particularly if they don’t live geographically close.
Some of us have cherished friends where we can pick up where we left off without a problem. Others cannot, because the shared values are not there!
Shared values take time, effort and motivation to initially start the engines and keep them running.
For those who have a small circle ..and still may be looking for those with shared values, Bette Midler’s Song- Friends (1973)
I had some friends, but they're gone
Somethin' came and took them away
And from the dusk 'til the dawn
Here is where I'll stay
Standing at the end of the road, boys
Waiting for my new friends to come
I don't care if I'm hungry or poor
I'm gonna get me some of them
'Cause you got to have friends
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, friends
That's right you, oh you, yeah you
I said you gotta have some friends
I'm talkin' about friends, that's right, friends
Friends, friends, friends
(Unshared Values)
Video - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fv2HtvibWhc
Parting Thoughts
I can probably count the number of people who share the majority of my values on one hand… But, it’s not a reason to give up! No apologies for my uniqueness. We all want to be appreciated and embraced for who we are as a person. What you or I have as endeavors are not wrong.
It’s just that we may not have shared values. In terms of getting your priorities accomplished, often it is our personal job to look under every rock, think out of the box and more… to at last find those with shared values!
BE SURE TO BROWSE OTHER BLOGS- A couple of suggestions;
https://donnagore.com/blog/why-should-i-attend-a-support-group;
https://donnagore.com/blog/advocacy-at-its-best-amp-in-the-movies
Comments welcome!
Thanks for reading!
Donna