Searching Our Hearts and Minds- My Tribute to A Brother’s Passing
It is a shock to realize that two years have passed since Scott left this earth!
On Monday, March 16th. Thank you for reading when you can.
There is nothing so sacred as human loss, particularly one that causes upheaval and heartache. We search, we question why. We have to accept that certain answers may never be forthcoming. But, what we can do is to try to gather understanding with time and the wisdom of others.
This is a tribute to my brother on the second anniversary of his passing.
There is no better way than to share resources from other survivors who have walked the path longer.
When friends, colleagues, family members and strangers are hurting long term, often those hurts don’t come to the surface right away.
They are pushed down in the psyche, ignored, denied… sometimes for years.
The hurt may rise up in other ways that are unhealthy.
From my layperson’s perspective, I have seen and known many people in serious circumstances.
In order to ease the pain, some people gamble, are substance abusers, take on other addictions. They may become reclusive, isolated from others and internally feel hopeless and depressed, guilty, neglectful, angry or filled with despair. There is an entire smorgasboard of emotions.
Their behaviors and routines may change in an effort to cope.
They may try to ‘put on a good front in public’ which in reality, only serves to make them more depressed.
Loved ones try their best to help. However, the hurting person must sincerely want to help. Otherwise , all the efforts in the world are wasted.
At some juncture, a tipping point occurs. How that happens, is individual to the person.
Scott had his good times filled with wonderful memories.
But, he was also hurting for many years, sometimes silently, sometimes not.
Those of us who were left behind often question could I have helped?
Could I have done things differently that would have made a significant difference? Although we struggle to search our minds and hearts, the answer in most cases is “No.”
Why? In the final analysis, we are each responsible for ourselves alone.
No matter how much we want to, we cannot take on other’s burdens and magically heal them.
We all are vulnerable. We all make mistakes. We all chose the wrong path at times. We each have to weigh the risks and the consequences.
When a person can no longer cope, their suffering, their pain is all encompassing.
They cannot see the forest for the trees.
They lose the ability to consider our feelings.
Nothing else appears to matter.
This is the most difficult aspect to comprehend and often follows us for years if we cannot put it into a healthy, blame free perspective.
With this testimonial, I present two resources for those who were left behind by those have left this earth either passively or actively via suicide.
Yes, this term is filled with stigma. But I ask all of you to try to get beyond the whys, and consider these two professionals who have dedicated their lives to helping others in similar circumstances!
Sometimes, there is no better way to pay tribute, and to heal the hurt than to pass on resources to others.
STATS - SUICIDE IS THE II th LEADING CAUSE OF DEATH IN AMERICA. 80% OF ALL DEATHS WERE MALES (2023)
1) Dennis Gillan is ‘an ordinary guy’ who experienced suicide up close and personal - the loss of two brothers, Mark, followed by Mathew 11 years later. His ability to cope was vastly different in the intervening years.
His journey and struggles with sobriety laid the course for him to begin to openly discuss their deaths years later.
He is a sought after mental health advocate, speaker and author.
Dennis has focused on assisting college fraternities, the military and wherever he can make the most impact.
His story is impactful and heart wrenching! He is currently based in Greenville, SC.
Website- https://dennisgillan.com/a-suicide-story/
Dennis is also the Founder and Executive Director of Half A Sorrow Foundation. Website- https://halfasorrow.org/
It is his mission to increase awareness, promote prevention and provide support while ultimately saving lives via training and education.
2) Sally Spencer-Thomas, PhD., Psychologist
https://www.sallyspencerthomas.com/speaker
Dr. Sally has devoted her professional life for the past 20 years to the study and proactive assistance regarding suicide prevention, focusing on men at mid life who are at risk.
Sally was born and lived in Connecticut (My former home for many years).
The impetus for her career goals occurred following the death of her beloved brother Carson, at age 34, due to bipolar disorder.
He was at the pinnacle of success in his career… and then it occurred.
She strongly believes in opening up the conversation about mental health issues directly. She created the Spencer J. Carson Foundation , focusing on suicide prevention and created a unique online tool known as Man Therapy toward this goal. She has formed coalitions with many organizations who employ a majority of males in such fields as construction, emergency management, corporations and even the White House! She is in high demand as a speaker, is a podcaster and travels extensively, imparting her knowledge and assistance, as a legacy to Carson.
Both of these professionals have also done TED talks, (Technology , Education and Design) featured on their websites, which is reflective of their vast knowledge and ability to impart important information to the masses for the greater good!
Please review their many offerings for someone you love…
Go to a seminar, listen to a podcast, invite them to speak to a group!
Scott and Donna in Old Saybrook, CT
Another Farewell to Scott-
https://www.courant.com/obituaries/scott-brian-gore/
(Don’t go without checking a sampling of my other blogs such as-
https://donnagore.com/blog/creating-a-lasting-legacy-turning-loss-into-a-living-tribute
https://donnagore.com/blog/compassion-versus-a-kick-in-the-ass
Thank you!
Donna