Posts Tagged Survivors of Homicide
Lest We Forget…Being Grateful Even as Homicide Survivors
Posted by Administrator in Grief Counseling, Survivors of Homicide, Violent Crime on December 8, 2011
As homicide survivors, we get so caught up in our own grief in the beginning or in the cause down the road…. that we can’t see the forest for the trees. When the victimization is new and fresh, we feel stripped of all of our reserves, questioning humanity, questioning God and life itself. We walk in circles, try to make deals with our God or make a pact never to do this or that again, as if we could change the course of our loved one’s plight. We were not responsible. We typically did nothing to contribute to the awful event. And yet, it is our responsibility to fix it when others appear not to care or are seemingly incompetent.
Women in particular, are the “fix-it people,” the great organizers, and the “hold it together people” in the family line… We see women pursuing the helping professions in droves. Some pursue corporate life and cast a distaining scowl on the glass ceiling as if to say, “I’ll show you….” Well, LadyJustice wants to show them too…but in ways that make a real Impact and touch other’s lives differently than climbing the corporate ladder.
Women typically are nurturers and have a lot of love to give. When that nurturing is interrupted by a horrendous life event or when there is no one single “object of my affection,” the cause becomes the fiery passion. At least that’s the way it is for this writer…
As single, unmarried survivors, we have our biological families who have their own connections. We don’t always fit into their scenarios except around the Thanksgiving turkey. Therefore, we create our own personal celebrations.
LadyJustice is here to tell you that it is okay to celebrate survivorship itself. Yes, you may have overcome neglect, harassment, stalking, emotional and physical abuse, or other violence in its many forms… It is not something we wish to exploit for Hollywood tabloids, nor is it something to be hidden in the closet forever. Hiding such things will make you physically ill over time…or turn you into a raving manic. So, pick your poison as they say. This writer believes it is better to come clean, however painful in the beginning. ‘For to share and educate others is a perpetual way of healing over and over through the rough patches. So, celebrate the fact that you have survived and will be on the road to a different path! You are strong! You will not grant power to the evil forces! You too will smell the roses again, but in a much different way!
Given our personal landscapes and unspeakable new histories, we need to build bridges and make surrogate families. Whether we lose our own families to violence, divorce and emotional stress or being viewed as “damaged goods” for awhile, we need to build others into our new reality. If we are at odds with the uncaring world outside and cannot shout “Honey I’m Home” daily, what does one do besides talk to the cat??
We reveal our true personalities with those who have a stake in our new lives. We form new business and personal friendships around the fiery passions which we have acquired much to our initial dismay. Then…. suddenly we discover that paying it forward, helping someone else even in a small way who has been through it, has a huge payoff! We no longer see the world through rose colored glasses. And better still, we never say, what’s in it for me? What’s in it for me is yet to be determined by others more powerful than we!
Thirdly, we must celebrate resources in this information age. Admittedly, at times there is far too much personal information shared to the detriment of some. But when it comes to victimology, in the past 30 years, relatively speaking, we have grown from a barren desert to a strong and sturdy oak tree with many blossoms…..
‘Truth is, when our family homicide occurred just 30 years ago there was no such animal called a support groups for homicide survivors. If you were a widow, if your spouse had a terminal illness, if your loved one perished in an auto accident, these things were covered. But the tragedy menu did not include those matters of escalating violence, least of all homicide.
Now we have a world of search engines and websites to address every malady possible (with a wary eye toward accuracy versus b.s.). We have a myriad of universities sources, public broadcasting stations, “helping professional organizations “galore and internet radio just to scratch the surface. Lest we forget, in the infamous words of Auntie Mame, “Life is a banquet, so stuff yourself!” So…let us be grateful for resources!
Finally, composer John Bucchino tells us with the heart so eloquently in his wonderfully moving rendition of the song “Grateful” sung by Michael Feinstein. Take just 4 minutes to enhance your spiritual self and listen to this link:
Selected lyrics from above:
I’ve got a roof over my head; I’ve got a warm place to sleep….
I’ve got a heart that can love; I’ve got a mind I can think
There may be times when I lose the light and let my spirits sink….
But I can’t stay depressed
When I remember how I’m blessed
Grateful, grateful
Truly grateful; I am truly blessed and duly grateful.
In a city of strangers, I’ve got a family of friends….
I feel a hand holding my hand… It’s not a hand you can see
But on the road to the promise land,
This hand will shepherd me through delight and despair
Holding tight and always there
Grateful, grateful
Truly grateful I am
Grateful, grateful
Truly Blessed
And duly grateful
Truly Blessed and Duly Grateful,
Donna / LadyJustice
MICHAELA’S GARDEN PROJECT
Posted by Administrator in Advocacy, Grief Counseling, Justice, Support, Survivors of Homicide, Violent Crime on October 13, 2011
Michaela’s Garden Project Seed Locations
After the tragic July 2007 home invasion and fire in Cheshire, CT, that took the lives of JENNIFER HAWKE-PETIT and her daughters, HAYLEY and MICHAELA, family members visited the home site to see if anything of value could be salvaged. Little was left.
One exception was the many flowers and foliage plants that Bill and MICHAELAhad planted and maintained over the years. One flower in particular was dear toMICHAELA—her Four O’Clocks. Because of that, the Four O’Clocks were dug up, brought to Plainville, CT and replanted.
Michaela’s Garden Project is designed to encourage area families and youth to become more involved in community service.
For the past three summers Michaela’s Four O’Clocks have been re-planted from harvested seeds. As a result, enough seeds have been collected to begin the Michaela’s Garden Project. The summer of 2010 was our first mass propagation effort. With the help of volunteer gardening enthusiasts, Cub Scout Pack 49 of Plainville, Cub Scout Pack 30 of Bristol and other area youth groups, we produced about 5,000 plants—all from Michaela’s original garden. The seeds from these plants were harvested, packed and are being sold in specially designed packs of 25 seeds as a fundraiser for the PETIT FAMILY FOUNDATION.
About Four O’Clocks
A favorite of MICHAELA’s, Four O’Clocks are sturdy, bushy plants with showy red, pink, yellow and white trumpet-shaped flowers. Some blooms are two-toned—usually yellow and white.
Four O’Clocks got their name because they open their flowers in mid-afternoon (about 4 o’clock). The blooms remain open overnight, and close in early morning. They are also known for their strong, aromatic fragrance,
Four O’Clocks are native to tropical areas of North and South America and are often called the “Marvel of Peru”. They are actually perennials that are grown in northern areas of the U.S. as annuals.
The dark green, bushy plants make an excellent hedge or border. Because the flowers are open during the evening and nighttime, the plants are often planted in areas where they will be seen during the early evening and morning hours.
Four O’Clocks are hardy plants, exhibiting good tolerances for dry conditions; however, plants will thrive if watered regularly, especially in dry weather. Where possible, plant in full sun and in well-composted soil. Add a general purpose fertilizer once a month to encourage vigorous growth. Bulbous roots may be dug up in the fall, cleaned and stored overwinter in the dark, in damp peat moss or sand.
Share the Love
You can help grow the project by planting and harvesting seeds. It’s easy to do. Each plant will set multiple blooms over a two to three month period. As each bloom emerges, matures, wilts and falls away, it will leave one seed—about the size of a peppercorn—which can be picked from the bract. Each plant will set dozens of seeds. During and after harvesting store seeds in a paper bag (not plastic) so that seeds can dry. Send us your harvested seeds and we will pack them for next year’s program. Every 25 seeds returned can mean $10 in additional support for the FOUNDATION.
The FOUNDATION’S funds are given to help foster the education of young people, especially women in the sciences; to improve the lives of those affected by chronic illnesses; and to support efforts to protect and help those affected by violence.
Vulnerabilities: Dealing with the Pain, the Aftermath
Posted by Administrator in Disabilities on January 25, 2011
It is intriguing to me what the “residual effects” are on those who experience violent crime. Whether your case is brand new, going through the judicial process at a snail’s pace; whether you are left hanging and left wondering for years with an unsolved case; if your case has been solved…. Or if, as in my situation, you are many years down the road after “the event,” vulnerabilities pervade and often last a life time.
The circumstances of crime can be as individual and varied as a fingerprint. For every instance in which we achieve a sense of contentment, we can also find an opposing state of discomfort that serves to remind us of the past…
Dr. Elisabeth Kubler- Ross will forever be known as the pioneer who made sense of it all with her five stages of grief model, featured in her 1969 breakthrough book, “On Death & Dying: What the Dying Have to Teach Doctors, Nurses , Clergy and their Families.” Death, Denial, Isolation, Anger, Bargaining Depression and Acceptance seem to capture the rollercoaster-like stages we all felt or feel.
Today, other professionals including social workers, psychologists and grief counselors grapple with our pain. They listen to our stories, respond to the questions for which there are answers, and “patch us up” as best they can, hoping that we have the fortitude to face the future.
Cognitive therapy focuses on changing behaviors in the here and now. The techniques used, help to change behaviors and feelings. They have been categorized into “schemas” developed by Dr. Jeffrey Young. Reportedly, a schema is a “life trap” preventing us from accomplishing life goals and subsequent happiness.
Among the 18 different schemas, some include: emotional deprivation, mistrust/abuse, dependence/incompetence and self-sacrifice. Vulnerability is one of the common “life traps” defined as, “the sense that the world is a dangerous place; that disaster can happen at any time, and that you will be overwhelmed by the challenges that lie ahead.”
Somehow, vulnerability is put in a far more serious, dark, gloom and doom context rather that the vulnerability we see on TV. You know the one… “I just broke up with my boyfriend and I’m feeling vulnerable.” Perhaps those TV writers need to say heartbroken rather than vulnerable… It certainly sounds scary… “anything can happen”… “overwhelming”.
Let’s be real. We are in fact, reeling, heartbroken and feeling very vulnerable concerning the horrific acts of a deranged gunman against Congresswoman Giffords and the other fine public servants and innocent citizens who lost their lives in Tucson recently. Vulnerability to the max!
I am sickened how this event has served to invade our personal freedoms and tainted all that is good about public service and a sense of community…. Not to mention the criminal acts. Mental illness is no excuse. Don’t even try to make this political or talk about the media frenzy or civility. This was intentional murder!
However, I refuse to live a life “looking over my shoulder”, thus giving power to the perpetrator of my father’s homicide.
Vulnerability, at its most basic level, is like an open wound that never heals. It’s hard to control a small vulnerability, akin to a scratch, let’s say, from becoming a gaping wound. Personally speaking, with nearly 30 years time and a lot of therapy, my gaping wounds have healed, but not totally.
So where do we put the remaining pain and how do we deal with it afterwards? Can we as survivors of homicide or otherwise actually re-adjust to life after homicide? YES WE CAN. But….. those vulnerabilities remain… How do my vulnerabilities translate to my day to day dealings, to my very own “vulnerability schema”?
Well, if you’d really like to know, my blogger friends…..
As a lifelong single woman who just happens to have a physical disability that rarely limits me, due to my superb ability to compensate or “figure out a way,” I feel I am naturally more vulnerable as I “can’t kick an intruder where it hurts” nor can I “run for the hills” quickly. However, I can use a steel crutch as a weapon and well developed upper body strength, if need be…. (I always used to beat the grammar school boys at arm wrestling Ha!)
I can try to always live in a “safe community” (if there is such a place anymore.
As for my crime related vulnerabilities, I always record a new daily message on my answering machine including the date and a couple of details both at home and at work. I do this for two reasons. My main reason for doing so, is to alert others of a clue as to my whereabouts in case of an emergency… or if I went missing. I do this for safety… It would be awhile if they had to discover ‘something not quite right”
My family, for whatever reason, gets together on major holidays only with little communication in between… They have their own families and I do not, except for surrogate family friends. I have accepted this… The second reason for such recordings is my insatiable need for creativity and diversity. I love the creative challenge of devising a new message each and every day.
I never had the opportunity to say goodbye to my father for the final time, as he left from home one evening. Consequently, ever since then, I feel a loss, I feel scared if a family member does not say a formal goodbye at the end of the gathering. I feel cheated and a little panicky. It is one of my vulnerabilities.
My “best work buddy” frequently makes a beeline for the door at the end of the day and does not make a point of saying goodbye to me, as my cubicle is not in her exit path. I don’t like it…. It is my vulnerability showing.
I do a fair amount of driving and always wear my seatbelt, use the sign of the cross as a non- Catholic no less, and silently thank God at times for “keeping me safe” and try to be a safe and considerate driver (with occasional lapses into “road irritation versus rage.” Admittedly, I have an irrational fear of auto fatality or injury.
My father was found shot dead five times to vital organs in his van. Some say it rolled into a house with the motor running for 30 minutes… and house occupants never called the police, after he desperately tried to drive himself to a hospital.
I always lock my car – even in a familiar neighborhood or driveway.
I think this is a holdover from my graduate school days “all by myself” at Kansas State University. Who cares if my sister. Holly makes fun of my behavior…. My vulnerability about crime became more apparent after the following very real case which occurred just one town away from where I reside.
(My heart breaks for Mary Ellen Welsh, who just wanted to have coffee and a visit with her friend, Carol Larese.
(This account was reported by Hartford Courant reporter, By BILL LEUKHARDT on May 29, 2008.)
A convicted sex offender, Leslie Williams, 31 was charged with a March 30 home invasion that left a retired court worker severely wounded and her cancer-stricken friend raped and killed opted in court Wednesday not to have a probable-cause hearing on the evidence used to arrest him.
Williams, released from jail in early March after serving an eight-year term for molesting a child, is being held without bail since his arrest in Watertown on March 30. He was fleeing from police when he lost control of the stolen car, which was owned by one of the victims.
Williams told police he had spent the night sleeping in an unlocked parked car he found in a Woodhaven Drive driveway and picked Larese’s nearby home to break into when he saw Welsh park and walk in.
Court records state that Williams burst into the New Britain home of Carol Larese, 65, seconds after her friend Mary Ellen Welsh, 62, had walked in to have coffee with Larese. Williams, who was on a weekend robbery spree and had spent the night sleeping in an unlocked parked car in a nearby driveway, shot Larese in the head and assaulted then abducted Welsh, court records state.
Carol Larese, 65, told police she had just welcomed her friend Welsh into the home when Williams walked in, said he needed a car and money, and showed the women a black handgun, the newly released document says.
Larese said Williams walked behind her into a far corner of the basement and shot her in the head. Williams told police he thought he had killed her.
But Larese, still conscious, pretended to be dead and told police she could hear Williams attack her friend. Larese waited until she no longer heard anyone in the house, then ran across the street to tell a neighbor to call police. By then, Welsh, her car and Williams were gone.
Welsh’s body was found in a sand pit in the town of Bristol, CT. Welsh, a cancer patient, had been shot, court records state. Police are still seeking the gun used in the crime.
‘Sorry bloggers, it’s just my vulnerabilities surfacing about unlocked cars…. These instances alone may not seem like much, but they are enough to keep me in a “vulnerable state of vigilance” throughout the day.
Whether homicide related, disability related or relationship related, vulnerabilities, to paraphrase Carly Simon, are often, “the only thing making us feel we are alive…. ‘Guess that’s just how much it costs to survive in this world….
When all is said and done, I guess I’ll keep my vulnerabilities. They make me feel real.
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