Posts Tagged Disabilities
Coping with Your Disability- “LadyJustice Style”
Posted by Administrator in Disabilities on November 18, 2011
Helen Jones Click here for Helen’s own story.
According to a June 2011 world report on Disabledpersons.com, previous figures on the prevalence of disability have been vastly underestimated. Currently, some report that as many as one billion people experience a “disabling condition” worldwide. However, to a large extent, it depends on how disability is defined. In general, a disability can be described as a functional limitation which affects one or more of our major activities of daily living (ADL’s) from a medical standpoint, such as walking, learning/comprehension, dressing, bathing, eating, communicating, transferring from one place to another (i.e. bed to chair) etc.
As a person ages, one’s body and skill levels begin to deteriorate if continued activity is not fostered, and in that sense, we all will be “disabled.” In addition, certain countries are more proactive regarding their inclusion or exclusion of disabling conditions for entitlement programs.
For this writer, her disability isn’t the “elephant in the room.” She tries her best to keep it at the “mouse in the room” level. Actually, for Ladyjustice, it is more a state of mind. Maybe she can’t ride a unicycle or go surfing, but she can do a heck of a lot!
Tips for a Healthier, More Manageable Disability
The following information can be considered “little pearl’s of wisdom” applicable to most any disability, realized by much trial and error… and “the glass is at least half full “mentality.
1. Don’t let your disability define you! You are much more than your vision loss, physical, learning disability etc. This is a biggie! Ladyjustice has encountered “disabled people” for over 50 years at all points on the spectrum. Those who have other interests and choose to deal with whatever it is, develop compensations for their challenges, tend to fair much better on the self adjustment scale.
For those who “wear their disability as a badge,” filled with anger as if to say, “Look at me”… whether it is for entitlement purposes or “just to get attention,” are the saddest of all examples! Please don’t lump Ladyjustice in with “those pity party people.” Your disability is just one component of your total make up… just as your nationality, sexual orientation, cultural upbringing etc., etc. If you are stuck in the rut of defining yourself as “disabled first and foremost”… get out of it by surrounding yourself with non-disabled persons (except when specialized support is needed).
2. If your disability is progressive, be ready for changes and adjust with it along the way, rather than fight it. Denial can be dangerous…
Although it may be difficult to re-adjust with each change, expecting change can be built into your preparation. With the change, a sense of loss is normal, as is grieving. Allow yourself to experience the grief. But not allowing the grief to overtake your life completely is key! Seeking and joining support groups and developing new interests can assist you in improving the quality of your life and act as distractions from the progression on your disability.
3. Down the line, share the benefit of your experience. Doing so can be a great healer for you and a motivator for others! Ladyjustice has relied heavily on this advice and made it work!
4. Don’t let your specific limitations impede what you really enjoy. For example, if you experience vision loss and love to read, try the Library for the Blind and Physically Handicapped with their latest digital books on tape. If your physical disability prevents you from hiking, you might locate a nature walking group with accessible trails. [Example- the Massachusetts Audubon’s Arcadia Wildlife Sanctuary is a universally accessible sensory trail. This award winning quarter mile trail is designated foe access by wheelchairs, walkers, strollers, and includes 12 interpretive stops with content that is accessible via cell phone, text or Braille. Go to www.massaudobon.org.]
5. Take advantage of support groups, the opportunity to form new friendships, locating civic organizations, educational resources and adaptive aids. Life is too short…or too long without others to care about, so join! Life can be a banquet to “stuff yourself” with the kind of special interest knowledge you love. The easiest tasks for others may be the hardest for those of us with disabilities.
[Ladyjustice examples- Hardest- buttoning, putting on earrings, socks or pantyhose… especially when you’re in a rush to get to work and should have left ten minutes ago! Ha!]
6. Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it! Others will respect you… Remember, the onus is on you as the disabled person, as you know your needs best. Don’t assume that the general public knows what to do for you. Some good samaritans will offer assistance, but don’t expect it. A pet peeve of this writer is when a person with a disability gets highly indignant when assistance isn’t offered… or is offered too frequently. [LJ’s philosophy – It’s always better to politely decline and thank them rather than be angry.]
7. If there is no help available (as frequently happens,) figure out a way to do it yourself! However, if “it” presents a danger, skip it altogether! This is also very important! This is an opportunity to get creative, particularly if the person with a disability lives alone. Had Ladyjustice waited for help over all of these years, she would virtually be sitting in a chair somewhere staring off into space without the benefit of her many accomplishments. If you give up at the first sign of a challenge, you are doomed to misery in the humble opinion of this writer!
8. Know your limits and stick to them. (Although they may change). This tip is significant! To know your limits is to know yourself. Be honest, be safe and don’t “show off for others” just to be part of your peer group. You will avoid injury, and will perhaps get to your destination a bit later…but who cares? Admittedly, LJ has difficulty with this one at times, as she believes she is Superwoman all the time! Such a fantasy! However, she is making a little progress. For instance, she no longer uses the escalator in the mall as it is too risky with the timing and balance thing. [Remember the phrase “step on the crack and break your father’s back? Well, substitute head injury in there…]
9. Don’t be complacent; “Poor me attitude” Self-advocate; If you don’t know how, learn… Two words says it all- Gabrielle Giffords!
10. If you are accustomed to being a very independent person, relish those times when you can appropriately be waited on… As disabled people, we are so often projecting our independence that we may forget that we deserve to be pampered occasionally, just like anyone else! Newsflash! There is a difference between occasional pampering (such as when you are on vacation) and having everything done for you “because you have a disability.” LadyJustice works so hard all the time that she has learned to accept what little pampering comes her way…as in a recent Carnival Cruise.
Thanks for listening!
Donna/”LadyJustice”
“The Billboard Queen” – Desperation City U.S.A.
Posted by Administrator in Advocacy, Disabilities, Employment on September 26, 2011
Ladyjustice has been fortunate to have a consistent work history for more than 30 years with very few gaps. However, the two gaps that occurred, can take a toll on a person’s psyche.
If you will, consider the fact that a person with a physical disability can, over time, see the remnants of middle age catching up. If that person is consistently running the halls of the nursing homes and hospitals from morning ‘til night, trying to see all of her patients who also need to be seen by other therapists, the days are hectic and tiresome. A “verbal tug of war” ensues to have access to each patient. It is not so much the elderly patient who makes one tired, but the fact that the therapist has to change her schedule “36 times a day.”
Ladyjustice was known in all of her assigned settings as the “swallowing therapist” with her metal cart filled with paraphernalia to assess those with swallowing difficulties… tongue depressor, laryngeal mirror, flashlight, gloves, various types of sample foods and beverages and the horrid “Thick-It,” (a powdery substance used to thicken thin liquids such as coffee, various juices etc.)
At that point in time, as a “40 something lady”, Ladyjustice had no assistive devices (canes or crutches), but she did have designs on moving to Phoenix to embrace the warm weather climate year ‘round. (Which she ultimately did, FYI…)
Truth Time:
One Saturday, LJ was consulting at a local nursing home, rushing around and prepping for another bedside swallowing assessment. Incidentally, have you ever noticed that the typical floors in a nursing home or hospital are not only clean…but highly polished/waxed? Those floors have a sheen that could reveal every facial flaw if you look closely! And, for someone with cerebral palsy, these floors have always been a hazard due to their tendency to be slippery.
On that Saturday, this blogger was nearly ready to do her assessment, but forgot to retrieve a liquid – orange juice. As this was not one of LJ’s regular nursing homes, she went back and forth, back and forth in front of the nurse’s station, getting needed supplies.
If readers are unfamiliar with the likes of a small, understaffed nursing facility, often, the most cognitively impaired patients are “lined up” in front of the nurse’s station desk for purposes of observation.
LJ’s final trip was to retrieve a large pitcher of orange juice. Suddenly, LJ slipped on the “overly glossy floor,” down went Ladyjustice and the OJ…all over the floor!
LJ looked up… and not a muscle moved. Not one of the patient’s facial expressions changed! (Dementia at work.) If it weren’t so tragic… it would be funny, LJ thought! LJ was not injured physically… She knows how to fall after all these years… But, the scene was surreal and tragic LJ felt a myriad of emotions for the dementia patients and for herself!
Ladies and gentleman, that episode was the pinnacle point at which this blogger said to herself, “Donna, you can’t do this anymore!” LJ had her sights set on Phoenix…
FYI…Ultimately, that is what she did!
The Next Chapter:
After a 13 month “valiant try” to switch careers in Phoenix, this blogger returned to Southern New England a somewhat defeated woman and took a temporary job in a large nursing home once again! After being laid off, there was a vast dry spell of 14 months and another huge effort to “re-invent oneself,” this time with the goal of victim advocacy for state government…. Easier said than done!
The long days on the phone, at the local library doing research and creating resumes were the norm. Even with a couple of mentors who were good connections within state government, it actually took LJ nearly two years to secure a position in state government from the first level of interest to the actual hiring. ‘Such an exclusive club!
The Billboard Queen in the Making:
As the unemployment funds dwindled, massive networking, calling and resume mailing continued. However, Ladyjustice decided to take a bold step…where no astronaut or unemployed person had ever ventured… at least in Connecticut history. This author decided to re-invent the public relations vehicle for herself
(Not unlike what Imagine Publicity does now!)
Well before the appearance of social media, Ladyjustice chose to research and market herself on a strategically placed billboard. This blogger did not want to rely solely on the billboard alone, for WHAT IF: The billboard was not in a high traffic area? What if the location site she chose was too expensive? What if the billboard was not viewed by enough people due to road construction or some unforeseen circumstance? What if it didn’t work? What if…? What if…?
Never fear….LJ was determined to market herself uniquely using radio, newspaper and TV interviews in combination with the billboard. And… that’s just what occurred!
1) Ladyjustice was able to be a guest on a popular AM radio talks how format with a large market share…interviewed by a high profile CT news anchorwoman (Diane Smith);
2) Ladyjustice arranged newspaper interviews with “the oldest published newspaper in the country” – the Hartford Courant and the New Haven Register. Billboard company staff, a disability expert, and former colleague and longtime friend/former President of Survivors of Homicide, Inc., Mr. Gary Merton was also interviewed to provide depth of information.
3) A quirky TV human interest reporter, named Dan Kane for our CBS affiliate, as well as a Fox station reporter stood with Ladyjustice in the weeds (literally) in front of the forthcoming “person-advertisement” location in the dead of January winter, year 2000.
Ladyjustice was definitely “thinking out of the employment box” and taking a gamble. Nearly 12 years ago, this large double billboard, positioned on a secondary road with 18,000 cars passing per day was quite a sight to behold! This blogger was hoping and praying that her $700 investment and $150 digital photo would get the most bang for her buck!
At that point in time, a billboard could be rented from the New Haven company for a two week interval and essentially get another two weeks for free if it was not previously reserved. LJ was lucky wand was able to obtain a four week time period. The billboard company even contributed a vinyl sign that said
“Good Luck, Donna! How Sweet…. (Or, as they say today… Sweet!)
During the year 2000, should a customer want a billboard on one of the major Connecticut highways of say, I-91, I-84 or I -95, be prepared to spend $5,000 for the same time period with many more cars traveling past. This was too rich for the blood of Ladyjustice during her unemployment period. And, even now, common sense would prevail, as an employed person; LJ would not venture to spend such an amount as “a mere private citizen”…even in Desperation City, “Anywhere U.S. A.”
The Focus: The Unemployed Disabled & Crime Victim Advocacy:
Melissa Marshall is a Connecticut resident, JD, legal consultant, ADA expert and a person who happens to have two disabilities – multiple sclerosis and cerebral palsy.
She is now the Executive Director of the Connecticut Business Leadership Network.
She, like Ladyjustice, is undeterred when it comes to her missions in life and her passions. For the billboard article, her comments put things in perspective regarding the employment outlook at the time for those with disabilities. She was quoted as saying, “The unemployment rate for people with disabilities is around 75%,” part of which she blames on discrimination. “It’s even higher for women with disabilities… Discrimination is hard to prove, but it’s easier with the disabled, because some people blatantly say it.”
In June 2011, a Labor Force Summary for Persons with Disabilities revealed that nationally, the overall job rate data for 2010 for non-disabled persons was 9.4 as compared to 14.8 (for those disabled actively looking for a job and looking four weeks prior to the survey.)
Within the same summary, the ratio of disabled employed compared to the overall population was 18.6% as compared to the non-disabled employed at 63.5%. People who did not fit their criteria, “had given up looking” for a job, and those disabled persons who prefer to remain unemployed were not included.
[Note-LJ- The percentage of persons who are unemployed and legally blind/visually impaired or totally blind, remains at 70% over several years despite numerous advances in technology, skilled trainers and motivated disabled clients willing to work.]
For more details regarding the former Economic Labor Force Survey concerning persons with disabilities, go to: http://www.bls.gov/news.release/disabl.nr0.htm.
Crime Victim Advocacy:
Ladyjustice’s goal was to begin a paid position working as a crime victim advocate exclusively. The billboard content, limited though it was, yielded several calls and curiosities… Once hired into state government service, this blogger took several written exams over the years and scored high, and interviewed well. However, whatever the forces at play, and despite the skills and passion, such a position in
Connecticut remains elusive. And so… LJ has other plans in other locations where she will be appreciated.
Calls and Other Benefits:
When the big bold word “Advocate” was seen by one caller, she sounded so forlorn and needy, that LJ thought she really wanted to speak to Dr. Laura…. Despite this, LJ tried to assist the caller with disability related issues. [In LJ’s opinion, Dr. Laura is RUDE, RUDE, RUDE, irrespective of her advice or views on life issues.]
Another benefit was that the DRG Billboard yielded an increased awareness of the plight of some very employable disabled via use of the radio, TV and newspaper exposure.
Ladyjustice was able to establish a relationship with a financial services company and subsequent financial counselor for her personal needs. Although this well known company tried to persuade LJ to become a financial sales person as well, and “make a very good living,” it was not her cup of tea… In fact, boring, boring, boring…. This blogger would rather be interested, engaged in helping others in the special interest areas she loves versus being rich any day!
Rumors…
Once this author was well established at her current job setting within state government, a Human Resources Specialist related that our former Governor saw the infamous billboard of LJ, was embarrassed and stated, “Let’s get that women a job …and off a billboard.” The truth is… this never happened. This was a fairy tale story. Everything that Ladyjustice received was through her own hard work and considerable efforts based on qualifications. Few people have the ability as a private citizen to embarrass a Governor. However, it is a good story for cocktail parties!
So long for now…. And remember to “think out of the box!”
Ladyjustice
Discrimination on the High Seas
Posted by Administrator in Disabilities, LGBT on September 2, 2011
Ladyjustice is a veteran of cruising…on the ocean – not a troller of the bar scene. This coming October, God willing, LJ will make her 9th voyage as a cruise line passenger with Denny Griffin’s “Mystery Cruise” group out of Long Beach, California.
In some ways, oh how things have changed in 30+ years since LJ was in her 20’s and on her maiden voyage with three Chicago girls (previously unknown to her).
Although there are still those cruise lines that cater to seniors, many cruise lines have had to “reinvent the ship’s wheel” to keep pace with current interests and technology. Virtually gone are the days of “flowing evening gowns,” midnight buffets every night, and long receiving lines to shake the captain’s hand. Instead, we have rock climbing walls, elaborate slides, full service health and wellness spas and glass blowing demonstrations…to name a few.
The original Queen Elizabeth II has elegant décor in an old world way but is somewhat “stodgy” regarding activities in LJ’s opinion. It appears to Ladyjustice that the Brit’s idea of real entertainment is karaoke with lots of Tom Jones (Yes… the same lingerie receiving Tom Jones from the 1960’s); a British soap opera, Benny Hill reruns or maybe, if you’re lucky, an English style variety show as the big feature of the week.
And, did Ladyjustice happen to mention that this trip which was gay-friendly, and included a group of approximately 60 gay men and LJ as their only female in the group?? Yes, they lied about other women participating. What a shock when it came to the meet and greet cocktail party. No, matter, this blogger made the best of it and still had a good time! In addition, LJ possesses a great group photo of the event!
This writer has also experienced women’s cruises and family cruises (with the former couple, Rosie and Kelli O’Donnell). To be honest, these were LJ’s favorites. Ladyjustice loves all people. However, to be in the company of interesting women from all walks of life… is heaven!
With all of the good features offered, LJ has encountered discrimination travelling as a single/solo traveller and as a person with a disability! In fact, a former dream of this writer was to create a full-service travel service exclusively for single travellers. The U.S. vacationer is no longer a “couples only” experience. We have all kinds of singles – single professionals, divorcees, widows, singles with children etc. For years, LJ has been minimally successful in locating a cabin mate with whom to travel. They’re married with kids, they have no money, they have no vacation time, they have never been on a cruise ship and buy into the idea that they will be seasick etc. etc. And… despite her penchant for neatness, LJ can be reasonably flexible and compromise for the sake of a suitable/compatible person for seven days. Not so easy! Be aware that as a single, with few exceptions, you are obligated to pay a full double occupancy rate (Occasionally, you may find a 1.5 rate).
The usual excuses for not reducing the rates for single occupancy have been…. That they claim to lose too much money in lack of food and liquor consumption if a room isn’t double occupied.
[LJ’s response – You’ve got to be kidding… Do you know how much food is discarded on a cruise ship daily? As for alcohol consumption, that is bologna too, as others more than make up for LJ’s very minimal drinking.]
[Note: If you could see the “sticker shock” and utter disbelief LJ has seen at the termination of cruises when a party-hardy cruiser takes inventory of their “charge it and worry later” mentality! What a waste of brain cells and money to be in a constant state of intoxication… ] LJ believes that any cruise line would recoup their investment with solo/single passengers if such a service was offered.
A caveat: With the severe prolonged economic drought, all cruise companies are hurting for business. All the more reason to offer single occupancy rates that are fair!
The last time this blogger chose to challenge this ruling, she was told, the double occupancy rule is “an industry standard.” (i.e. You can’t fight City Hall). There are exceptions…An industry wide Congressional investigation was initiated by former Connecticut Congressman Christopher Shays, after honeymoon cruiser George Allen Smith IV mysteriously went missing on July 5, 2005 and is presumed murdered to this day…. But, this dear readers, is the exception to the rule… and that case would make a good blog for another time…
Thus far, the immoveable object (cruise line industry) had not met the irresistible force of Ladyjustice with all of her resources at hand!
Blatant Discrimination Due to Disability:
Back in 2002, this writer was a force to be reckoned with after the President of Olivia (Women’s) Cruises allowed her staff to abruptly ban this seasoned cruiser from travelling with them a third time as a single unless “someone accompanied LJ to watch over her 24 hours a day.” Say, what??
One would think that with the Americans with Disabilities Act in force, no problems would be encountered… in addition to the fact that LJ was and is a very low maintenance traveller. However, Sadly this was not the case.
Is the ADA Enforceable on Cruise Ships?
There is an ongoing legal argument that in which LJ became well versed. When and where is the Federal ADA regulations observed and enforced? Some legal experts say that it applies anywhere a ship docks in the US, because they dock at U.S. ports. Others say that as they fly under foreign flags- countries, and therefore they are not subject to such “potentially architecturally expensive” anti-discrimination regulations.
A third school of thought is that they are not subject to US rules once they are 12 miles out to sea ….This did not help LJ build her case. However, discrimination is discrimination!
The “Oh, No” Experience with Olivia Cruises
The following narratives are excerpts taken from a detailed letter written by this blogger, to “plead her case” to Judy D’lugacz, founder and President of Olivia Records and Cruses. (There was also a nightmare of a problem with an airline ticket which was excluded from this material). Never fear, should Judy read this blog in 2011, she might just cower in the corner in embarrassment!
“Hopefully, you will recall me as a two-time customer, prior to my communications with Olivia. I had been your company’s biggest fan in New England and had thoroughly enjoyed my pervious experiences….
Believe me when I say that if this situation were just a matter of forsaking one vacation option, I would leave it at that and move on. However, since Olivia Cruises is the type of vacation I can partake in fully and the only women’s cruise of it’s kind, it has far reaching ramifications for any and all vacations for me in the future!
“About eight years ago, I went on my second of two Olivia cruises, as the only travel company specifically for gay women. At that time, they had a staff member walk with me on a couple of the walking tours in France and Italy. I am ambulatory, but now use a cane for balance and have joint contractures making it slower /more difficult to bend. I require a handrail on stairs. Otherwise, I manage quite well. I live independently, own my own condo, drive extensively and am very involved in selected community activities.
I looked into going on a European tour recently, destination to Scandinavia in August. (The Club Med tours are too young and athletically oriented.) The very first comment made by your general manager was “On the previous cruise, they thought I had taken time away from the staff person who could have been working elsewhere and that her assistance cost your company between $2,000 to $4,000!”
In the first place, I don’t believe such a dollar amount …and how totally insensitive of her to make such a statement to a former good and enthusiastic customer! Such a statement speaks volumes to any bright and enlightened person. Everyone to whom I related this story was aghast at such insensitivity. Although you say you have downsized your staff, I would recommend some much needed training on disability issues and sensitivity training!
However, ignorance aside, she offered me a 2 for 1 package deal if I could find a travel companion. After considerable effort through friends, I did find someone from the Boston area who was interested in being my travel mate. We were booked etc… when I discovered that this same general manager failed to inform us of an extra $350+ for gratuities and port charges, which as a consequence excluded my new friend financially.
Had I not received a large tax refund, I too would not have been able to afford it.
After relating my story about my friend having to drop out, Ms. Cruz
(General Manager) then offered me a time extension until the end of May, for which I was appreciative and told her so. ….The final irony is that, after the deadline expired, through my postings and selective advertising, I have two others who would have also been interested in joining me.
I feel I am going to encounter such struggles as a solo traveller again if I want to enjoy the company of other lesbians in the future…
I’ve found case law within the past year (Case #011-0244-CIV-King/O’Sullivan, USA vs. Norwegian Cruise Line Limited) in which a small group of blind persons were prohibited from travelling solo or coupled in which NCL imposed “a laundry list” of extra requirements not asked of other passengers. They violated Title III of the ADA by denying the group fair and equal enjoyment of the cruise ship offerings. My point is that NCL doesn’t care that they are breaking the Federal law! From a corporate standpoint, you are probably more concerned about your contract with NCL versus compliance with the Federal ADA Laws.
I have been told by more than one attorney that this case would be relevant to my situation. I have also called the Department of Justice and could not get past the initial clerks. After another phone call, I was told that “Someone checked with NCL” and that even if I was allowed to solicit help from among other passengers on the rare occasion that I needed it, I’d need someone to “be responsible for me 24 hours a day.”
I guess cruise lines view all people with disabilities as invalids ready for the nursing home….. or potential lawsuits. How sad!
[Note: There are actually cruises specifically equipped for terminally ill passengers and those with severe physical disabilities requiring full time care assistants and all manner of adaptive equipment] However, LJ has to be “monitored 24/7??
My manager at work who is also an attorney was irate and stated that your company should have provided the extra $400 each to enable us to go since Ms. Cruz failed to sufficiently explain the two for one . He also suggested that I sue you. I have no intention of doing so, as I prefer to choose my battles. Being an Advocate for the gay and lesbian community, the families of homicide and the disabled is enough advocacies for one person to carry, isn’t it?
By reputation and personal exposure, I have found you to be a reasonable person. I certainly do not wish to totally alienate the only company that can provide me with a satisfying vacation.
You advertise diversity, the ability for women to be free. I submit that after nearly 30 years experience as a voice and pillar in the lesbian community, your definition of diversity appears very narrow. What about thinking out of the “purple lesbian box” to market to others who are disabled and represent other minorities? (Blah, Blah, Blah……)
Judy’s eventual response to this letter is… and was a bit of a blur… You see, when she did respond by phone, it was a bad night. It was a Friday evening after work, eastern standard time. There had been torrential rains that afternoon… and someone hit my car. Ladyjustice was not at her best that night, and even cried a little…
Pardon me for not extolling the efforts of a Company President who installed a necessary and mandated ramp for her employee who was wheelchair bound… Equality is much more than infrastructure and physical access. It is just as much about how a person with a disability is treated. (i.e., attitudes, words, and actions pertaining to their circumstances.
A few months ago, this blogger sent an e-mail message to “the powers that be” to the Olivia website inquiring about current cruises, and essentially saying, let’s give this another try. No response was received from Olivia Cruises.
Have any lessons been learned in nine years? You are welcome to draw your own conclusions. Is it the fault of Ladyjustice that the parade of eligible dates is not at the door?? LJ says absolutely not! (Please refer to previous blog – July 2011-Dating & Damaged Goods)
The Good Stuff: A Few Points to Consider As a Disabled or Solo Passenger
(Especially if this is your first cruise…)
- Do your homework regarding the type of vacation you choose.
- Do you want to focus on specific ports of call and tourist attractions or mainly stay on the ship and enjoy all of the amenities?
[LJ prefers the latter if ports are inaccessible for whatever reason.]
- When travelling solo/and or disabled give yourself an extra day to make connections. i.e. Stay overnight in the city where the ship docks prior to departure. This is to ensure that if an airline connection is missed, you won’t miss your cruise. This measure also helps to decrease stress and fatigue.
- When researching shore excursions, don’t rely on website descriptions only. What is characterized by “lift exertion” for one person may be “moderate or a greater challenge” for your abilities. Rather, call the cruise line and /or speak to staff once onboard concerning which trips to book.
- There are different types of “disabled cabins.” Some offer roll in showers whereas others are modified with less assistive devices such as grab bars.
- Be sure to book these “little details” in advance…
Shuttle bus connections to airports, hotels and ship ports. If you have connecting flights, and are ambulatory, book wheelchair assistance at the airport. (You may be taken off the plane faster and this assistance ensures that you get to the proper gate on time. Book any dietary restrictions, travel insurance, adaptive equipment needs well in advance with the cruise line.
- Learning your way around a cruise ship can take the entire length of the cruise. So, once you find preferred locations, look for landmarks and…Don’t be afraid to ask! Everyone is there to help. They are the hospitality business!
- Be aware that there are different dining options. There are two seatings. If you have a choice verses being assigned, chose the dining style and time you prefer. If you like to eat at a reasonable earlier dining hour and attend the early show chose the first seating.
If you prefer to spend more time on your excursions and don’t want to be obligated to “rush back” to get ready for dinner, choose the late seating.
If you like to meet others, you might choose the “dine around” program and eat with new people each night. Or, if you like to eat with alone without other couples or with the same group, that’s fine.
Dud Alert: If you are placed with a couple at a table for four who “don’t say two word” or are “a real bore,” you can make your exit and ask to be assigned to another table for the next meal.
[As a single/solo traveller, LJ prefers large tables so that she can always find a few people to befriend, just in case some are “duds.”
As a single, if you are gregarious, like, LJ, chances are, you can “fit right in” anywhere.
- Just because you see a set of elevators, don’t assume it will take you to your destination. Cruise ships have several sets of elevators throughout which don’t always “lead you to the “main floor”
- The safety drill donning orange life preservers at the start of the cruise can be disorienting and a little scary if you have a disability.
It used to be, “all hands on deck” in which you have to report to a specific station -designated spot on a designated deck of the ship, read and listen to specific procedures… just in case “an unlikely event occurs.” However, it seems like lately, they have taken “the lazy way out” and “Everyone Report to the Auditorium” and watch a video. In LJ’s opinion, this is not true to life if a real emergency occurs…. Return to the “old way of doing things.”
- Oh yes…. You cannot use the elevators. Well, this blogger can do the multiple sets of stairs, especially with the help of gravity.
Should Ladyjustice lose her balance, there are many people around to “catch her” Ha! It only hurts of embarrassment for a minute!
However, there are certain designated safe areas for the disabled in which to report via the “air traffic controllers” nowadays.
- As a person with a disability, don’t forget to relish the things you can do on your vacation! Don’t fret that you can’t climb mountains.
For example, Ladyjustice loves to spend time in the warm whirlpools… They are very therapeutic physically and a great way to meet people from all walks of life. Coffee bars, retail shops, ice cream nooks, music venues, glass blowing demonstrations and any activity on the water are all favorites for this writer!
- Those of us who may need assistance to carry baggage, get from one place to another etc… carry a wad of one dollar bills. This helps tremendously at the airport, hotel and prior to boarding the ship.
“If you are a girl,” this saves so much time not to be fishing in your purse for a tip every five minutes.
Bon Voyage!
Ladyjustice
“Little Girl Justice”… Aren’t 55 Surgeries Enough?
Posted by Administrator in Disabilities, Support on July 31, 2011
How many people can say that their adult age nearly matches the number of surgeries they have had over their lifetime? Well… it’s true. As Bill Cosby used to say, “I’m as serious as a heart attack.” For Ladyjustice, the number used to be exact, but alas, LJ is behind on surgeries. LJ is 56 years young with a “resume” of 55 surgeries. And… just as if LJ had cracked open a great fortune cookie message, it was during that last surgery in 2010 for carpel tunnel of the dominant hand (#55), LJ would never have discovered ImaginePublicity and Susan Murphy Milano! Now that was truly fortuitous!
Before you gasp in wonder or start to feel sorry, this blogger requests that you save your sorrow for others. For the record, let’s clarify the difference between a permanent disability and a chronic illness, as there is a major difference when it comes to this writer.
A permanent disability is a disability that is with you for the balance of your life, whether acquired from birth or as a result of life circumstance as in a sudden trauma or accident.
A chronic illness is a condition that can be disabling, whose symptoms are recurring, can happen intermittently or frequently and causes one to feel sick or unwell.
As a child Ladyjustice vaguely remembered the “March of Dimes Telethon” against birth defects” featuring among others, the “Schnozzola” Jimmy Durante. However the Jerry Lewis Telethon for Muscular Dystrophy was a staple for Lady justice’s growing up years. After the Telethon aired, invariably, upon returning to school, children and adults would think or verbalize something like, “Oh, you’re one of those”… (Jerry’s kids.) to which LJ would respond, “No, that’s not what I have.”
LJ would “get her revenge” and created this little response: “I’m not one of Jerry’s kids. I’m not going to turn into tissue paper and die in five years. I have cerebral palsy and I’m going to live until I’m 95!” (Well said, Littlegirl justice!)
(Not a replica of LJ’s former braces…. But you get the idea)
Many people, including “learned adults” tend to lump all physical disabilities together as if they were indistinguishable. As a little girl, Ladyjustice did not really have “something wrong with her legs” as it appears to the naked eye, but rather damage to the motor area of the brain, and a two month premature birth of unknown etiology (about 30%). Other causes may include lack of oxygen or birth trauma.
“Little girl Justice” needed to make her entrance sooner! LJ’s Mom used to tell people, “Donna got her holidays mixed up… She was supposed to be born on Lincoln’s birthday, but arrived on Christmas Eve instead.” Yes… Christmas Eve is special. Me and Baby Jesus Ha! It is usually overlooked, but LJ doesn’t care at this age.
In case anyone has interest, below are some basic facts regarding the “misunderstood/lumped together” disabilities. As it pertains to cerebral palsy, there are various types of associated impairments which can be present or not, varying in severity from mild to severe depending upon the part of the brain that is damaged.
(See possible associated impairments below).
[There is no chronic pain, weakness or “illness” associated with Ladyjustice’s spastic cerebral palsy….Maybe a little arthritis, occasional balance issues and difficulty bending at the hips or knees known as “contractures”- [a shortening of a muscle due to spasm, or paralysis of opposing muscles]. However, when the normal aging process is overlaid on the developmental disability of CP, it can feel as if the aging process progresses more rapidly. Other than these minor inconveniences, LJ is unaffected in terms of everyday living.
Cerebral Palsy: Literally, cerebral refers to the brain and palsy refers to movement or posture and is a neurologically based impairment. It is characterized by an inability to control motor function, especially muscle control and coordination. There are three major types and a mixed type. It is not degenerative or progressive.
Spastic- inability of the muscles to move in pairs. [One contracts while the other relaxes.] The muscles are always active (high tone) causing rigid, stiff or jerky movement , abnormal muscle growth and deformed joints. ‘Difficulty moving from one position to another, holding or letting go of objects.- Mobility is decreased in colder climates. 80% prevalence
Athetoid- Characterized by involuntary purposeless movements of the extremities grimacing, tongue thrusting. ’Difficulty maintaining posture and sitting (Low tone – similar to a “floppy rag doll).” Other associated problems can be seizures, intellectual impairment, speech, hearing vision swallowing and eating problems. 10% prevalence
Ataxic- Characterized by low muscle tone and poor motor coordination, balance and depth perception. Walking is noted to be a wide gait with feet far apart , and tremors “shakiness” particularly when holding small objects.. 5-10% prevalence
(Actor John Ritter, Host of the UCP Telethon)
Muscular Dystrophy- Best known as a result of the long-standing Jerry Lewis Telethon) Is characterized by a group of genetically transmitted diseases with progressive atrophy “wasting away” of skeletal muscles with loss of strength, increasing disability and deformity. The basic cause is unknown, but thought to be an inborn metabolism error. Different types are seen depending upon age of onset, types of muscles affected, mode of genetic inheritance and rate of the disease progression. The most common type is known as Duchene’s involving the X chromosome and characterized by muscle degeneration, difficulty walking, breathing and eventual death. Life expectancy is in the late teens to mid-twenties. Incidence = 1 in 3,000
Multiple Sclerosis: Is a progressive disease caused by the attacks on the body’s own immune system. Nerve fibers of the brain and spinal cord lack the insulating sheath (myelin). Those afflicted have periods of exacerbations and remissions. Symptoms include weakness, abnormal sensations in the limbs, vertigo and vision problems. As MS progresses, other symptoms appear such as tremors, decreased motor coordination, pain, extreme emotional liability, speech & swallowing problems, fatigue, loss of bowel & bladder control, changes in memory and cognitive abilities. MS symptoms are worsened by heat. Incidence ranges between 2 and 150 per 100,000. Prognosis is difficult to predict, depending upon many factors. However, in general, the life expectancy of patients is 5 to 10 years lower than those without MS.
Photo of Jennifer Hawke-Petit & Daughters MS Survivor and Homicide victim
The reader can now see that there is wide variability among these disabilities including causes, symptoms, types and progression. (Not to mention treatments not included in this blog). However, to the casual observer, is it any wonder that all of these physical (and more) conditions are “just disabilities” if you do not happen to have a family member or friend with one of the aforementioned disabilities? Ladyjustice can forgive ignorance to a point…. However, once enlightened, there is no excuse!
Now We Return to the Story of 55 Surgeries…..
Can you imagine a young mother in the 1950’s getting up to speed on the previously unknown disability called cerebral palsy in which:
Her fragile, premature daughter had a 50-50 chance of living (before technology and neonatal centers); Her family moves from a first home in the woods (constructed by her carpenter father) to the city in order to access “handicapped classes” and a renowned Children’s Hospital; “Little girl justice” being diagnosed with still another medical problem totally separate and distinct from cerebral palsy that would continue to involve the lives of her and her family members for at least another three years, at another medical facility….and added 33 surgeries to the list.
Juvenile Papilloma of the Larynx involves the growth of numerous warty growths on the vocal cords in children and young adults. The human papilloma virus (HPV) occurs at birth in approximately 300 infants. These growths cover the vocal cords and effectively block off the airway and normal respiration. Therefore, a tracheostomy is performed [construction of an artificial opening through the neck into the trachea/windpipe to allow the person to breath and speak.]
During those three years from approximately 9 to 12 years old, “Little girl justice” was required to put her finger over the opening/stoma to allow her to talk each and every time she had something to say!
(A similar model to the type of tracheostomy tube worn by LJ)
These growths required surgical removal every 3 to 6 weeks (under anesthesia) involving a hospital stay of a day and a half in which the vocal cords were “scraped” with instruments to clear the masses. Consequently a hoarse voice quality results and maintenance of the metal equipment inserted into the neck. Typically, these masses discontinue their growth until puberty, allowing surgical closure of the opening and normal breathing and talking. What a joyous time for “Little girl justice!”
A little postscript… Apparently LJ’s growths were so prolific and unusual that her case was written up in a Boston medical journal… probably Otolaryngology and now collecting cobwebs and dust somewhere…
In the 1990’s while working as a speech-language pathologist. Ladyjustice learned from an ear nose and throat physician that …. Had laser surgery been available at the time, the number of surgeries might have been reduced from 33 to perhaps 6!
Wow! In some ways, Ladyjustice would not have traded her “hospital childhood” for there were positives. Her parents indeed tried to provide as much normalcy and fun times as possible… in between surgeries. There were positives… Hartford Hospital and Newington Children’s Hospital staff became “a second family.”
It was a very unique existence and a good story…
Frequent hospitalizations was a visceral experience engrained in a little girl’s memory with all of the familiar sights sounds and smells LJ was a little girl who had to grow up fast and “be a brave little soldier.” God only knows how this blogger’s mother and family “held it all together, “still raised a family with two other children.
LJ has visited each hospital years later and the memories come flowing back…
What specifically was it like? A snapshot follows:
Likes:
The familiarity of the routine, expectations, and nursing staff at each institution; If “Little girl justice” had to be there for yet another surgery, it was better to “make the best of it.”
- Having many visitors who cared… and the anticipation of going home again;
- Choosing meals following the NPO (nothing by mouth) status after the surgery;
- Playing board games with Mom like Candy land and Chutes & Ladders;
- Going to physical therapy to have muscles stretched. The therapist felt like a “second mother;”
- Receiving comfort/asking to hold the hand of the operating room nurse prior to receiving the anesthesia mask;
- The warm feeling of a plaster cast being wrapped on LJ’s legs after certain surgeries;
- Ice cream and movie night at Newington Children’s Hospital. They rolled the old steel beds into the auditorium on Friday nights. Heaven!
Dislikes:
- A steady diet of ginger ale and jello to settle the effects of the awful and formerly used anesthetic–ether- Yuck! We used to say “Little girl justice” was “allergic” rather than suffer the vomiting;
- Plaster casts being removed- Ouch!
- Sadness felt for other kids who never had any visitors – ever!
- Cold temperatures and anesthetic smells while waiting in the ‘holding room” prior to laryngeal surgeries; LJ always asked for a towel to cover her nose…
- Missing out on school and family outings due to being hospitalized so much
- Skimpy hospital gowns;
- “Being on parade” for curious orthopedic doctors wanting to gauge the progress of or need for another surgery. “Walk for us” they used to say… (in the hall in those skimpy nightgowns);
- Having to use heavy metal orthopedic braces that locked and unlocked at the knees.
Sad, but True….. One Hospital Story
A memorable, but somewhat horrific tale speaks to the sickness of a little boy (unlike “Little girl justice”) and the compassion and emotional effect felt by LJ’s father.
During one of LJ’s many hospital stays in recovery, she had a roommate, a very sick little boy. This boy, unbeknownst to his parents, got into the kitchen cupboards and removed a household cleaner (either Comet or Draino- ‘can’t recall) and consumed a considerable amount. This boy sustained severe burns to his mouth throat and internal organs. [This occurred many years before the invention of safety locks].
When LJ’s father saw the grave condition of this little boy, he was so horrified and sad that he went home and immediately inquired about our household products. Although LJ’s mother assured him that they were well secured in high cupboards, he insisted that henceforth, she buy the Comet or whatever, use it once and immediately discard and buy new for the next single use. At the time, such products cost about 39 cents each.
The little boy was not expected to live long and did pass away, LJ thinks… “Little girl justice” may have been told this story as one of life hard lessons. Indeed it has struck with her all of these years…
And so it goes…the sterile medical and eventful childhood of ‘Little girl justice.” She paid a price in more ways than one. However, such valuable lessons could never be taught from a textbook or classroom. Despite it all, Ladyjustice has “survived it all” and doesn’t ask much of life going forward…
Donna R. Gore, "LadyJustice"
Her main objective is to help crime victims’ full time! [From God’s ear to the right employer, please!]
Dating & “Damaged Goods”
Posted by Administrator in Disabilities on July 5, 2011
(This blog is dedicated to Susan Murphy-Milano for the person she is and for the work she continues to do on behalf of others…)
Those of us who are baby boomers have learned many a life’s lesson by virtue of our time in history and our personal experience. These lessons are hard fought as we traverse through “what our mothers and girlfriends told us,” making our way, mostly by trial and error… especially when it comes to dating.
If you are “that age,” chances are you have a track record consisting of near misses, lustful longings, love found and the lost again, devastating decisions, and platonic relationships – take your pick… If you are very fortunate, true love in the form of a soul mate emerges.
Ladyjustice makes no such claim. I suppose near misses and “misplaced true love” are all that can be assigned here…
A somewhat limited resume in this area is not what was planned, but thrust upon LJ, for better or worse. “Coming close” counts only in horseshoes… and trying to maintain a long distance relationship is… well, trying! This blogger is confident that everyone can relate to this at some level… However, this topic was chosen to show another consideration, not usually encountered.
If you are delving into the dating scene and happen to have a physical disability, it can be a minefield …and a mind game. In fact, it’s a whole different ballgame, sports fans!
Even if you are well adjusted to your disability, very capable, fiercely independent, intellectual, educated, possess a decent countenance and body shape, the world still views you as “damaged goods.” Although we may not admit it, we, “the disabled,” probably spent the whole of our lives trying to measure up just to be equal to others. Consciously or unconsciously, we have dealt with outright rejection, both subtle and not so subtle forms of discrimination.
How one deals with such childhood and adult experiences tends to fall along a continuum. At one end (which this blogger dislikes), are those with a “chip on their shoulder” so wide and deep that their pain is palpable and their anger is cloaked in “confrontational advocacy.”
Political correctness aside, they look for opportunities to lash out at others and thereby give us a bad name as a group. The angry bunch say, “Look at me, I have a disability and it’s your fault.” Would ya’ want to date this person?? Neither would Ladyjustice!
Ladyjustice pretty much falls at the other end of the spectrum because… when it comes to accomplishments, she is invincible AND her outlook is positive! (Please spare us the whiners of the world who would have us believe that their complaints are of supreme importance.) Remember, compared to homicide, multiple surgeries, cancer, sexual abuse and tsunamis, everything else is NOTHING!
In order to be well adjusted with a disability, in LJ’s opinion, you must compensate well when challenges are presented, “think on your feet and out of the box” (i.e. always find a way- PROBLEM SOLVE), find other important things to do with your life/have goals and guard against “wearing your disability as a badge”… or on your sleeve. If you do, you will be viewed as “one of those strident miserable disabled people” who… among other things, attack others at handicapped parking spaces Whoa!
To be fair, all people have the blues or feel sorry for them occasionally, but a steady diet of it equal depression or worse!
So, a well adjusted “disabled person” should have no problem dating, RIGHT? WRONG! God bless those few people who have seen past the disability and seen the real Ladyjustice. God curse those who have used her good nature and played with her emotions!
Since the 1970’s & 80’s the bar scene was the place to meet, then singles dances followed by computer dating. LJ has always been at a disadvantage. She hates smoking with a passion and is “the cheapest of dates” when it comes to consumption of alcohol. Balancing those drinks, walking around and trying to be charming can be a tall order— like an acrobat on a wire! Singles Dances of the 80’s – small talk, “What’s your sign?” and all that bologna…
And dancing … Ladyjustice is not exactly Graceful Grace, but does try her best… even on rockin and rollin’ cruise ships!
Bad Memory #1-
LJ still recalls with horror the 8th Grade dance in which “a suitor” was paid to dance with yours truly, “damaged goods” unbeknownst to LJ until later…
Ladyjustice was never asked to any school proms either… nor did she throw up in any porcelain bowls! Whew!
Computer Dating-
Otherwise known as the Liar’s Haven, the Black Hole of the Unknown etc… It matters not which one – Match.com, E-Harmony, Pink Cupid or whatever…
They are all the same with a few tweaks here and there…
Our superficial society still cares about “skin deep” beauty- our advertisers’ barrage us over and over again. Social media seeks to know all about us in real time.
Consider the physically disabled person, in the old days, meeting for the first time in person. In the days of the guys, LJ made sure that she was seated first, as hers is not a hidden disability. And, when to bring up “the topic?” How to put this person at ease to reassure that this woman is not akin to a green alien? Please don’t assume that I need help with everything…. Ask me if I need help. I’ll tell you, but I usually decline. The responsibility is really on me to ask for assistance, IF NEEDED.
What about computer introductions, where everything is based upon the written word and a photo that is probably not current? This blogger always felt sorry for the poor saps that could not put a sentence together. It is based on writing ability to impress….
How many times did LJ read “Likes the beach, movies and long walks in the moonlight?” C’mon, where is your original thought, your creativity? LJ’s personal ad is stellar… and collecting dust! Ha!
Seriously, when do you share about your disability with a computer date? Certainly not the first interaction ….. usually the second. It is carefully planned and assuredly written as if “the disability” is a mere hangnail (which is the truth 99 % of the time for LJ).
In the past, LJ tried her best to convince the potential suitor that “it” was not an issue… and continued on with her impressive narrative about interests, goals and clever philosophies on life. However, for whatever reason, the computer date never responded after that second e-mail.
He or she just couldn’t do it… even with this very low maintenance woman. (As Chris Cagney said in one of the episodes of Cagney & Lacey, “You’re either a CACTUS- low maintenance, no attention required or a FERN- requires needs constant watering! What are you?)
Truthfully, when this blogger discovered her true, true orientation, even to herself, she was approaching her late 30’s…). Life is funny…. As a disabled person, this served to be a “good cover” for her true orientation because…. A lot of people, including parents think that those with disabilities are asexual. Not so! However, it is easier for families to think that versus dealing with the whole LGBT thing. No matter, LJ finally knew her true self.
Hidden Disability, Political Correctness & the Tea Party
Working for an agency for the blind, I currently have several colleagues who, to look at them, have no disability at all. However, their field of vision may be extremely limited requiring lots of lighting, contrast or assistive devices to recognize people, to read etc. But, you would never know!
This is an example of a “hidden disability.” Whether their plight in life or level of frustration or tolerance is different than LJ’s, one can’t say. It is an individual thing. (It is partly due to your type of upbringing, your ability to cope.)
Political correctness speaks to the superficiality of today’s society. Many egg shells have been broken and careers ruined stumbling over terminology. This blogger has no tolerance for blatant disrespect or ignorance. However, let’s get past labels and treat everyone with respect! I may have my preference in what label you use for my disability, but I won’t deck you if you use the wrong one! (It also appears to be generational).
Many years ago, before LJ’s true calling was known, her well intentioned mother cut out a newspaper article advertising a “social group for people with disabilities. “ This blogger thanked her, but in truth, LJ does not truly identify as a disabled person who necessarily wants to date another disabled person.
In fact, LJ is so functional, that unless she sees a reflection in a glass of her walking gait, it doesn’t occur to her that she is disabled. Well, maybe, 5% or so…. In that case, why identify as such sitting around eating tea sandwiches with others who are disabled?
It’s like being on the outside of the glass looking in…. Where does LJ fit? Who knows… It’s really about not limiting your definition of yourself to one thing….. and it’s about attitude!
Sayonara!
Ladyjustice
The Birth and Growth of the Melanie Ilene Rieger Memorial Conference Against Violence
Posted by Administrator in Advocacy, Support on June 26, 2011
A seed was planted 15 years ago… It has blossomed into a tree of knowledge and compassion thanks to the Rieger family.
One never knows for sure what drives another to get involved, to create a work of art, a lasting memorial or legacy to “do justice to a person.” For those who die tragically, there are as many reasons not to carry on as there are stories to tell… However, through the madness of it all, a new idea is spawned, sprinkled with success and then, through a lot of blood, sweat and tears, becomes a tradition of the best kind.
Such was the beginnings of the Melanie Ilene Rieger Memorial Conference Against Violence a “mere 15 years ago.” A lovely young woman named Melanie, an aspiring social worker, who “loved to help”, took in strays of the animal and people varieties, who, in hindsight, should have left the wayward animal known as her boyfriend, (Inmate #23062) by the side of the road for all eternity. Instead, he preyed upon her when she was about to steer her life in a new direction.
And then, it befell her by strangulation and being stuffed into a gym bag. The vanishing of a life 19 years too short, by a controller, “unable to let her go.” We in crime victim circles are too familiar with the “Domestic Violence Anthem” that begins, “If I Can’t Have You, No One Else Will…”
Such insecurity and jealous rage ending in homicide can happen in a moment, an hour, or more likely be simmering over a lifetime filled with nothingness. The perpetrator seeks to take over another’s life and cannot imagine that their behaviors are not the definition of love, but self-serving and selfish beyond anyone’s imagination.
The consequences of homicide cannot be fixed! Friends and family are left in the aftermath of their nightmare wondering what to do…
Sam and Wanda Rieger took from the ashes of their daughter’s death and created (along with a village of volunteers) a premier conference dedicated to serving the needs of future crime victims and educating those who serve them. However, this is not solely an academic gathering with Power Point presentations. More to the point, it is a touching of souls and sharing of stories… creating an everlasting impact for participants – good, bad, but NEVER indifferent. Veteran survivors of crime such as Ladyjustice do not return for the facts and figures, or to be exposed to more violence. Rather, we return to visit old friends, for the thirst of ever increasing knowledge in the field of victimology and violence in today’s society. We come to share with new victims and service providers, the benefit of our tragic experiences …and to hear more stories. The stories never end…
In the telling of those stories, crime victims release stress, try to fend off survivors’ guilt and help others to understand and heal.
Social work students and other human service providers attending for the first time are overwhelmed both in a positive and negative way, hopefully never to return to their once held stereotypical attitudes about what it’s like to be a crime victim….and further on down the road…a survivor of crime.
The 2011 Conference was no different in these respects. It begins with a touching presentation of the Colors and bagpipe music, and the lighting of (an electric) candle on Melanie’s portrait (Thanks to fire regulations).
It surely takes a village…. And if there’s a glitch here or there or a “no show” other professionals pick up the slack. In fact, I found, these can be some of the best presentations.
The roster of participants was impressive. And yes, Ladyjustice has her favorites. Rather than write a book here and now, let me say but a few words about a few people – People you may know and some you may not…
1) Dr. Michael Schultz- A Connecticut psychologist and family therapist specializing in family medicine and a Director of Special Reviews for the State of Connecticut Department of Children and Families.
With five minutes notice, this man substituted for a “no show” and did a wonderful job providing an interesting and very interactive discussion on the expected topic of “bullying.” This learned professional was very likeable, energetic and treated us like gold for our individual contributions!
2) Mr. Marc Klaas – Father of daughter Polly, who was kidnapped and murdered in California in 1993; Founder of Klass Kids Foundation, Co- Founder of Beyond Missing in 2001.
Marc is a tireless advocate for missing children; a fighter for effective legislation and the rights of the most vulnerable victims; creator of a state of the art high tech Amber Alert application and other innovative methods for locating the missing and dissemination of information.
As it turned out, Ladyjustice had the pleasure of getting to know him over the two days and formed a new friendship with this wonderful man who continuously tries to do what’s needed in the name of his beloved daughter. He is a longtime friend and participant of the MIR Conference.
His first presentation comparing the former envelope stuffing and stamp method he was forced to use when Polly went missing, and the milk carton child identification methods of the 1980’s and early 1990’s to today’s social media capabilities was fascinating! (Polly was actually the first missing child to appear on the internet.)
If you will, picture yourself licking stamps and envelopes with the hope of a flyer “arriving somewhere” in the mail in 7 days. Now picture having 3,262,192 members on Facebook Causes (Klaas Kids) without even realizing it! Picture the fact that 1.5 children in China are kidnapped and end up begging on the streets. Via the use of Weibo technology, (Their version of Twitter) through the posting of photos of children missing for several years, 6 children have been located and reunited since February!
And a bit of trivia from Dr. Michael Schultz – At the time of Bill Clinton’s inauguration, there were only 50 existing websites…)
Secondly, Marc Klaas’ audience was treated to a great presentation concerning the Tragic Consequences of Extreme Abuse of Children with Special Needs. In addition to a lot of startling data, real video newscast clips from throughout the country effectively illustrated how often children with special needs are more vulnerable, (1.5 to 10 times more likely) to be abused, go missing or killed. These are the disposable children who rarely get noticed, rarely get any press.
Many of the cases shared this blogger’s disability- cerebral palsy.
This is unconscionable, often perpetrated by foster parents “for the money.”
Please visit and donate to: http://www.klaaskids.org/;
3) Ms. Rachel Lloyd- Was a former prostitute and victim of sex trafficking in Europe before she escaped this life and moved to the U.S. in 1994.
Rachel left school and her “good family” at age 13, engaged in shoplifting; nude modeling and was raped by a pimp who began selling her as a sex trafficker. In 1994, she escaped her situation at a church in Germany and moved to New York. She acquired a GED and college education, and subsequently began the non-profit GEMS- (Girls Education and Mentoring Services) in the Year 2000. They currently serve 275 girls per year with 70-80% coming from the foster care system.
Rachel was instrumental in the passage of the “Safe Harbor Act” in New York which views young girls as victims rather than prostitutes and seeks to prosecute the pimps.
She also testified before the US senate Judiciary C\Subcommittee on Human Rights for the formation of the Federal Trafficking Act.
A documentary film was made and in 2007 entitled “Very Young Girls” capturing the exploits of two pimps and the great work of the GEMS organization, (www.VYGthemovie.com)
GEMS accepts donations at: http://www.gems-girls.org/
An autobiographical book is also available: “Girls Like Us: Fighting for a World Where Girls Are Not for Sale, an Activist Finds Her Calling and Heals Herself”
Rachel’s words of wisdom resonated with Ladyjustice. Her words are relevant to Sam and Wanda’s conference. She said, “You can’t save everyone, but you can plant the seed and if you do, you know you’ve done the best you can.”
To learn more about the MIR Conference, to volunteer for the 16th annual or to donate contact: http://melanieriegerconference.com/ or
Dr. Samuel L. Rieger
Melanie Ilene Rieger Memorial Foundation
P.O. Box 368
Watertown, CT 06795
Vulnerabilities: Dealing with the Pain, the Aftermath
Posted by Administrator in Disabilities on January 25, 2011
It is intriguing to me what the “residual effects” are on those who experience violent crime. Whether your case is brand new, going through the judicial process at a snail’s pace; whether you are left hanging and left wondering for years with an unsolved case; if your case has been solved…. Or if, as in my situation, you are many years down the road after “the event,” vulnerabilities pervade and often last a life time.
The circumstances of crime can be as individual and varied as a fingerprint. For every instance in which we achieve a sense of contentment, we can also find an opposing state of discomfort that serves to remind us of the past…
Dr. Elisabeth Kubler- Ross will forever be known as the pioneer who made sense of it all with her five stages of grief model, featured in her 1969 breakthrough book, “On Death & Dying: What the Dying Have to Teach Doctors, Nurses , Clergy and their Families.” Death, Denial, Isolation, Anger, Bargaining Depression and Acceptance seem to capture the rollercoaster-like stages we all felt or feel.
Today, other professionals including social workers, psychologists and grief counselors grapple with our pain. They listen to our stories, respond to the questions for which there are answers, and “patch us up” as best they can, hoping that we have the fortitude to face the future.
Cognitive therapy focuses on changing behaviors in the here and now. The techniques used, help to change behaviors and feelings. They have been categorized into “schemas” developed by Dr. Jeffrey Young. Reportedly, a schema is a “life trap” preventing us from accomplishing life goals and subsequent happiness.
Among the 18 different schemas, some include: emotional deprivation, mistrust/abuse, dependence/incompetence and self-sacrifice. Vulnerability is one of the common “life traps” defined as, “the sense that the world is a dangerous place; that disaster can happen at any time, and that you will be overwhelmed by the challenges that lie ahead.”
Somehow, vulnerability is put in a far more serious, dark, gloom and doom context rather that the vulnerability we see on TV. You know the one… “I just broke up with my boyfriend and I’m feeling vulnerable.” Perhaps those TV writers need to say heartbroken rather than vulnerable… It certainly sounds scary… “anything can happen”… “overwhelming”.
Let’s be real. We are in fact, reeling, heartbroken and feeling very vulnerable concerning the horrific acts of a deranged gunman against Congresswoman Giffords and the other fine public servants and innocent citizens who lost their lives in Tucson recently. Vulnerability to the max!
I am sickened how this event has served to invade our personal freedoms and tainted all that is good about public service and a sense of community…. Not to mention the criminal acts. Mental illness is no excuse. Don’t even try to make this political or talk about the media frenzy or civility. This was intentional murder!
However, I refuse to live a life “looking over my shoulder”, thus giving power to the perpetrator of my father’s homicide.
Vulnerability, at its most basic level, is like an open wound that never heals. It’s hard to control a small vulnerability, akin to a scratch, let’s say, from becoming a gaping wound. Personally speaking, with nearly 30 years time and a lot of therapy, my gaping wounds have healed, but not totally.
So where do we put the remaining pain and how do we deal with it afterwards? Can we as survivors of homicide or otherwise actually re-adjust to life after homicide? YES WE CAN. But….. those vulnerabilities remain… How do my vulnerabilities translate to my day to day dealings, to my very own “vulnerability schema”?
Well, if you’d really like to know, my blogger friends…..
As a lifelong single woman who just happens to have a physical disability that rarely limits me, due to my superb ability to compensate or “figure out a way,” I feel I am naturally more vulnerable as I “can’t kick an intruder where it hurts” nor can I “run for the hills” quickly. However, I can use a steel crutch as a weapon and well developed upper body strength, if need be…. (I always used to beat the grammar school boys at arm wrestling Ha!)
I can try to always live in a “safe community” (if there is such a place anymore.
As for my crime related vulnerabilities, I always record a new daily message on my answering machine including the date and a couple of details both at home and at work. I do this for two reasons. My main reason for doing so, is to alert others of a clue as to my whereabouts in case of an emergency… or if I went missing. I do this for safety… It would be awhile if they had to discover ‘something not quite right”
My family, for whatever reason, gets together on major holidays only with little communication in between… They have their own families and I do not, except for surrogate family friends. I have accepted this… The second reason for such recordings is my insatiable need for creativity and diversity. I love the creative challenge of devising a new message each and every day.
I never had the opportunity to say goodbye to my father for the final time, as he left from home one evening. Consequently, ever since then, I feel a loss, I feel scared if a family member does not say a formal goodbye at the end of the gathering. I feel cheated and a little panicky. It is one of my vulnerabilities.
My “best work buddy” frequently makes a beeline for the door at the end of the day and does not make a point of saying goodbye to me, as my cubicle is not in her exit path. I don’t like it…. It is my vulnerability showing.
I do a fair amount of driving and always wear my seatbelt, use the sign of the cross as a non- Catholic no less, and silently thank God at times for “keeping me safe” and try to be a safe and considerate driver (with occasional lapses into “road irritation versus rage.” Admittedly, I have an irrational fear of auto fatality or injury.
My father was found shot dead five times to vital organs in his van. Some say it rolled into a house with the motor running for 30 minutes… and house occupants never called the police, after he desperately tried to drive himself to a hospital.
I always lock my car – even in a familiar neighborhood or driveway.
I think this is a holdover from my graduate school days “all by myself” at Kansas State University. Who cares if my sister. Holly makes fun of my behavior…. My vulnerability about crime became more apparent after the following very real case which occurred just one town away from where I reside.
(My heart breaks for Mary Ellen Welsh, who just wanted to have coffee and a visit with her friend, Carol Larese.
(This account was reported by Hartford Courant reporter, By BILL LEUKHARDT on May 29, 2008.)
A convicted sex offender, Leslie Williams, 31 was charged with a March 30 home invasion that left a retired court worker severely wounded and her cancer-stricken friend raped and killed opted in court Wednesday not to have a probable-cause hearing on the evidence used to arrest him.
Williams, released from jail in early March after serving an eight-year term for molesting a child, is being held without bail since his arrest in Watertown on March 30. He was fleeing from police when he lost control of the stolen car, which was owned by one of the victims.
Williams told police he had spent the night sleeping in an unlocked parked car he found in a Woodhaven Drive driveway and picked Larese’s nearby home to break into when he saw Welsh park and walk in.
Court records state that Williams burst into the New Britain home of Carol Larese, 65, seconds after her friend Mary Ellen Welsh, 62, had walked in to have coffee with Larese. Williams, who was on a weekend robbery spree and had spent the night sleeping in an unlocked parked car in a nearby driveway, shot Larese in the head and assaulted then abducted Welsh, court records state.
Carol Larese, 65, told police she had just welcomed her friend Welsh into the home when Williams walked in, said he needed a car and money, and showed the women a black handgun, the newly released document says.
Larese said Williams walked behind her into a far corner of the basement and shot her in the head. Williams told police he thought he had killed her.
But Larese, still conscious, pretended to be dead and told police she could hear Williams attack her friend. Larese waited until she no longer heard anyone in the house, then ran across the street to tell a neighbor to call police. By then, Welsh, her car and Williams were gone.
Welsh’s body was found in a sand pit in the town of Bristol, CT. Welsh, a cancer patient, had been shot, court records state. Police are still seeking the gun used in the crime.
‘Sorry bloggers, it’s just my vulnerabilities surfacing about unlocked cars…. These instances alone may not seem like much, but they are enough to keep me in a “vulnerable state of vigilance” throughout the day.
Whether homicide related, disability related or relationship related, vulnerabilities, to paraphrase Carly Simon, are often, “the only thing making us feel we are alive…. ‘Guess that’s just how much it costs to survive in this world….
When all is said and done, I guess I’ll keep my vulnerabilities. They make me feel real.
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