Posts Tagged Crime Survivor
Listen Up, Because…. Time’s Up!
Posted by Administrator in Victimization on June 29, 2011
How the “Smart Woman” Got Caught Up in the Drama of a Drug Addict
This is a true story… and a somewhat embarrassing story. However, if in the telling, this story enlightens other “smart people,” than so be it….
[“And the trouble is, if you don’t risk anything, you risk more” Erika Jong]
Ladyjustice has always considered herself a knowledgeable person – book smart, analytical, problem solving and possessing enough “street smarts” to know better… But alas, this was one of the hardest lessons of all – to be played like a fiddle by a master manipulator and not even realize it! LJ was no match for this person, henceforth to be called “Madam X.” Madam X had a pattern of leading unsuspecting people on a journey to hell and back.
Ladyjustice should have known better…
Little did she know at the outset that she would not only be a crime victim again, but also demonstrate an ability to rise above the pain, and abuse to save the perpetrator’s life…. whatever that was worth.
It all began when this blogger hosted a Woman’s Sunday Brunch gathering within a major hotel in an elite community in central Connecticut. One Sunday, a new guest, “Madam X” arrived. She was small in stature, was well scrubbed, freckle faced and appeared “too cute” in looks and personality for words. In fact, unbeknownst to LJ, she not only strolled in, but rode in on her motorcycle. (Motorcycles are hardly foreign objects to this blogger. Please refer to past blog- After 30 Years….. (Anniversary Tribute to Don Gore (8-26-1933–4-17-1981)
Madam X was charming and cast her spell toward LJ even during the first meeting. It was almost like a dream… PI’s Denny Griffin or Vito Colucci should have rounded the corner, taken this blogger by the shoulders and said, “Wake up woman, this person is bad news!” But they were nowhere to be found!
Madam X and LJ became friends, but there was something not quite right about the situation. This blogger had met others in the past that were in a tough spot, living on the edge for awhile until finances improved. But LJ should have known that the transient little barn converted apartment was for the wayward and not a “charming fixer-upper.”
Madam X was down on her luck. She had a job but lived paycheck to paycheck. She was a licensed handyperson, but was working in a hotel catering department. Madam X was a good cook, skilled at arts and crafts, and voiced goals and aspirations.
One day while sitting on the couch of her ramshackle apartment, after finishing a call to someone, she warned LJ, “You don’t want to know about my problems,” when an innocent offer of help was made. LJ had just rescued her stranded with her bike, needing a ride. (LJ should have walked out the door right then and there.)
This blogger was oblivious, blinded that “something was not quite right.” This cute and perky person fed into LJ’s caretaking nature…and Madam X knew it…
Madam X needed a temporary place to stay … so Ladyjustice oblige
d, thinking that it was the right thing to do to help a new friend…. And that our friendship would grow as a result.
Madam X moved in with her considerable amount of belongings, taking over LJ’s “neat nick condominium” and rearranged her life as never before.
Background
Madam X came from a neighboring state, had two sisters. Both were successful professionals in other geographic areas. Madam X portrayed herself as “the black sheep of the family,” always trying to prove herself, always misunderstood. If memory serves, her mother was a widow, but dating.
What Ladyjustice wasn’t aware of initially, was that Madam X had burned many bridges, including her family. It appeared they were in a state of inertia when LJ desperately called them upon Madam’s first disappearance.(i.e. not in total denial of her problems and former rescues, but not helping her to face the music and suffer the consequences for, such things as losing her driver’s license….. and unbeknownst to this blogger, a drug problem.)
And so… having a new housemate, Ladyjustice, “Savior of the People” drove Madam X to her hotel job, frequently rising at 4 am to arrive at 6 am located over the hazardous Avon Mountain.
Fortuitously, rather than be the constant chauffer, Ladyjustice decided to put her on her auto insurance as a motorcycle was not always the best means of travel. Let me say fortuitously again, as one fine day, she borrowed LJ’s Subaru Forrester, fell asleep at the wheel, landed in a ditch and totaled the car, with only a few scratches to her body.
As time went on, the naiveté on LJ’s part remained and so did the loans of a few dollars here and there (which were accumulating). The good thing is that all expenditures were logged in a book as proof of what was owed (she told herself). Madam X liked a glass of wine with dinner…every night as it turned out.. which didn’t seem terribly out of place at first? LJ even sacrificed Thanksgiving dinner with her family in favor of a twosome, much to her family’s chagrin.
This blogger wasn’t thrilled with the situation, but kept the thought that the inconveniences were only temporary as soon as she got a better paying job. The inconveniences mounted and the psychological control and lies began, such that LJ wanted out of the situation altogether. But Ladyjustice knew Madam X would not go easily. She was a “hanger on” whose job it was to charm the world. ‘Never afraid physically, but LJ was in a constant state of worry, tired of being manipulated by charm and tired of beating up oneself for the stupidity of being duped.
By this time, thanks to the insurance company, a new 2003 midnight blue Toyota Matrix was on the premises. But… there was more to come…
One night, while Ladyjustice slept, Madam X got up, “borrowed” LJ’s car keys and stole the new car! The next morning, the car and Madam X were nowhere to be found. (Drug addicts are good at disappearing and re-appearing.)
Ladyjustice had to go to work…but was too ashamed and embarrassed to tell her family members. She tried unsuccessfully to arrange for continuous rides from co-workers. In the meantime, LJ did report “the newest incident” to the police immediately. Madam X had no record in the State of Connecticut. This blogger finally woke up and wanted to have her arrested! The brand new car was placed on the NCIC-National Crime Information Center’s data base for missing vehicles.
At this juncture, Ladyjustice had to “swallow her pride” and notify family members for transportation …and for support. They didn’t see Madam X’s addiction. They only knew and expressed that she was one of “those people” from the wrong side of the tracks… a user. They were truly concerned for LJ’s welfare.
It was the first time Ladyjustice had ever seen her mother threaten bodily harm…and her sister wanted to “throw all of her belongings out on the street.”
A plethora of emotions were at work in LJ’s head- anger, disgust, worry, even a little compassion for this criminal. What made her do it after all? LJ’s main emotions at the time were incredulousness and self disappointment for being so easily taken in!
CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW ANYONE WOULD SINK SO LOW AS TO STEAL THE ONLY TRANSPORTATION AVAILABLE FOR A SINGLE, PHYSICALLY DISABLED PERSON??
Ladyjustice just couldn’t get over this fact…. This blogger began to look into eviction procedures – a legal morass. LJ learned that it was no easy task to evict someone who is not “an official renter.” Days passed with no word from Madam X and no sign of the car . Perhaps two weeks came and went…
LJ discovered the “ace in the hole,” as Madam X’s motorcycle was left on the property. Sweet revenge!!! After consulting the police,, or maybe it was an attorney, Ladyjustice asked a neighbor to sell the motorcycle … and he did!
When Madam did show up, dazed and confused, she was totally dumbfounded and “betrayed” that LJ would have sold the motorcycle. No sense of responsibility was taken, just concern for the motorcycle!
Long story short, the brand new car was located unscathed (i.e. not stripped) in a high crime area of Hartford. (Coincidentally, it was exactly the location in front of the house where LJ’s mother grew up as a child!) The interior was a mess with many a McDonald’s wrapper and a couple hundred miles on the speedometer. Upon seeing it, Ladyjustice physically shook and was unable to drive it to the detailing shop.
And… Big Surprise…. Madam X stole the car in exchange for drugs.
As she told it, Madam X had a “once a month cocaine habit” in addition to an alcohol addiction.
Second Surprise… Madam X’s family turned against Ladyjustice for having her arrested. In truth, she was saving her life…
This blogger tried to “take the high road” and be supportive of Madam X’s inpatient Drug Rehabilitation, in which she was a model patient- making LJ arts and crafts projects and colored pictures. Perhaps LJ was biding her time until the court date. On the surface, temporary remorse was exhibited by Madam, such that Ladyjustice, always the compassionate one, did not see the value in sending her to jail if she could “be put on the right path.”
[A bit of trivia for readers,- Did you know that drug and alcohol counselors frequently encourage addicts to color pictures with crayons as it supposedly has a calming effect? Hah!]
The court date came and this blogger had her opportunity to list all of the despicable behaviors . Madam X said all of the right things to the judge. The judge was very surprised at LJ’s generosity “not to send her to jail, Do not pass go; Do not collect $200” as they say in Monopoly.
Drug Rehab, urine tests, probation and a halfway house were part of the plan going forward.
There was a near miss, a potential relapse during this time. The Department of Mental Health and Addiction Services policies supposedly interfered with the ability to demonstrate a clean versus a dirty test. The details escape this blogger now. However, Madam X called LJ hysterically telling her story , pushed to the brink of purchasing drugs ..and then at the last minute, flushing them down the toilet. Ladyjustice saw an injustice in the story and dutifully wrote a letter to the Medical Director.
No Surprise Again… Madam X never really expressed any remorse to Ladyjustice. She didn’t achieve the “making amends step” of the 12 step program during the time we were together. Several weeks later, Madam X, a couple of transient friends and her sister arrived with trucks to finally vacate LJ’s condominium. It was a tension filled day, but we made it through.
A few weeks later, the Medical Director of DMHAS responded to LJ’s letter on Madam’s behalf and promised to do “staff re-training concerning their policies in the future.” As a final loose end, LJ tried to do the right thing and notify Madam X of the letter and its promise. (Why I bothered, I’ll never know…)
Response to the message left at the halfway house – A call from the local police warning LJ not to harass Madam X!! Ladyjustice went to Alanon Meetings and tried to forget….
Moral of This Story- 
Had Ladyjustice not bothered in the first place with the “Master Manipulator”, the entire sordid tale would not have happened. If Ladyjustice had not demonstrated the courage to have Madam X arrested, she would not have had the benefit of drug rehabilitation and the court system “trying to set her straight.” Lady Justice would have retained the first car and all of the money owed, never to be seen again.
In other words, even with all of Madam X’s mess-ups and devaluing of other humans, Ladyjustice saved her life…even if it was against her will… and felt good about that one and only fact! (But for the Grace of God finding her in some alley…)
This blogger owns the same “drug car” today. It currently has 131,526 miles on the speedometer. When the time comes for the bone yard, the bad memories will vanish with it. As for Madam X, who knows where she is 8 years later… Hopefully living a cleaner life!
As LJ’s boss always says, “No good deed goes unpunished.”
The Legacy of The Petit Family Foundation
Posted by Administrator in Advocacy, Judicial System, Justice, Survivors of Homicide, Victimization, Violent Crime on June 19, 2011
(“Three Angels” Petit Family Memorial Garden)
Some enchanted evening; you may see a stranger,
across a crowded room; and somehow you know, you know even then,
That somewhere you’ll see him, again and again…..
Who can explain it? Who can tell you why?
Fools give you reasons, Wise men never try….
(Lyrics: “Some Enchanted Evening, Broadway Musical, South Pacific)
This blogger had the good fortune to meet and get to know a world class physician, an academic, a quiet family man who devoted his former life to his patients and “his girls”, wife Jennifer, and daughters Hayley and Michaela. The most recognized survivor of crime in the State of Connecticut, a reluctant hero, is the man known as Dr. William Petit, Jr.
Ladyjustice has hesitated to write anything about this dignified and tormented man. The media hounds him. The public is well meaning and generous through many charitable events whose proceeds go toward the Petit Family Foundation and the Foundation, in turn, sponsors many activities encompassing the three missions honoring his immediate family.
This tragedy of tragedies has effected the hearts of people throughout the U.S. and internationally.
Ladyjustice does not want to exploit nor offend in any way shape or manner by offering her humble opinion. She remains respectful and has tremendous admiration for the remaining survivors of the Petit family.
However, if a local person who occasionally crosses paths with this man, can offer a perspective as a fellow homicide survivor, and perhaps lead others to donate to his Foundation, why not?
A wise woman named Susan Murphy Milano recently told this blogger that no crime victim would ever view such efforts as exploitation, because, as survivors of crime, we are a family. Our biological families have been torn from us, helping each other and helping future victims keeps us going on the path of justice for others. So, in that spirit, Ladyjustice will carry on….
Connecticut experienced a “wakeup call” of the greatest proportion when this horrific crime occurred on July 23, 2007. All assumptions about where “crimes like that” occur (and certainly not Cheshire) were shaken to the core. This crime was the impetus for landmark judicial legislation, rallied people as never before to implement change in attitudes, to be vigilant about personal safety, to buy and install home alarm systems; to reconfigure our Parole & Pardons board, to create a system of sharing vital prisoner histories at all levels of the criminal justice system; to revamp the process for halfway house placements, to “get to know your neighbors” in the form of kindness and neighborhood watches; to initiate numerous scholarships and charitable organizations in the aftermath for the benefit of others who have aspirations “just like the Petit women”; attempts to keep (and eliminate) the death penalty in Connecticut; to create and carry out a legacy for their passions and… for Bill Petit to have as many reasons as possible to carry on without them. (As of today, due to the current economic times, some of these milestones are still a work in progress but alive none the less).
And now, nearly four years later, the legacy of this family lives on through the constant efforts of Bill Petit his parents, siblings, his 95 year old grandmother and extended family and friends.
It is a strange kind of purgatory awaiting a trial… as if the trial itself was supposed to take away the past sins of the defendant(s).
(Ladyjustice’s purgatory, awaiting trial for her father’s homicide spanned six years.) It is this “suspended animation” that wears you down so that by the time the trial is about to commence, you are in a state of mind that perpetuates the wounds and adds further insult to injury.
This is yet another trying time for the Petit family, currently awaiting the second trial to begin in September for the second defendant, whose name doesn’t deserve the ink, and raises the hairs on everyone’s neck in Connecticut and beyond…
In 2009, this blogger was in “full court press mode” as the Chairperson assigned to coordinate a huge state agency event held at our State Capitol known as “the BESB Awards and National Observation of White Can Safety Day.” This event brings together a selected groups of visually impaired or legally blind students and blind adults whose accomplishments over time has served to go above and beyond” in their fields of endeavor or talents in ten categories.
It is the “Emmy Awards” for the blind community in Connecticut, if you will. AND, make no mistake…. This is not a demonstration that they can merely perform with their peers while experiencing blindness (and other disabilities). RATHER, particularly with students, they not only keep up, but often far exceed their sighted peer and are multi-talented in academic and the arts or sports, community affairs, despite their blindness. No Pity Party Here – Never, Unacceptable! Most sighted people have no idea what blind individuals and today’s technology can do….
This event involves coordination of a roster of candidates, nominating committee, contact and invitations with nominees, families, State legislators, municipal officials, the Governor’s office, catering, facilities management, press releases, TV coverage, official proclamations, the crafting of a programming script, correspondence, individual bios for nominees, organizing the flow, seating arrangements, entertainment, etc.; etc., AND selection of an appropriate Master of Ceremonies.
How to get a speaker pro bono, who understands the issues of diabetes and blindness, is committed to the cause and can present in a way that engages the participants??
Ladyjustice wrote a personal letter to Dr. Petit explaining her journey with the medical world, personal disability, personal homicide and our agency’s mission and request for a Master of Ceremonies. ‘A long shot at best, she thought. (Although this blogger’s previous efforts had nearly gotten Mary Tyler Moore twice for this event!) However, this blogger had more in common with Dr. P. versus MTM.
Enter Dr. William Petit, Jr…. He could not have been more gracious and apologized for the letter getting lost in the sea of mail. Long story short, he came to our agency, toured, met with staff, including staff that happens to have MS, and was available for consultations prior to the event.
Following Ladyjustice’s immense pleasure of introduction, Dr. Petit gave a thorough and thoughtful introduction “prior to his duties”, discussing his work with diabetes research and treatment, his hopes for the future and even read an inspirational narrative in French!
His MC style was classy, engaging and funny! He was everything Ladyjustice had hoped for! He indeed was the man for the job! And…“the cherry on top of the sundae” was to have Ladyjustice’s mother in attendance, beaming proudly and asking to meet the esteemed Master of Ceremonies! How perfect! He was now part of the BESB Family.
(Post script- Soon to be part of the “New Bureau of Rehabilitation Services” as of July 1st. So long BESB, a stand alone agency since 1893!)
Fast forward to June 2011…. The public can read an unusual expose’ of the Petit family story in the June/July edition of Esquire Magazine. You can’t miss the magazine, which, for some unknown reason chose to include “The Survivor” article with a cover page GQ like male with a woman’s hand suggestively inserted under the man’s belt. Yikes! Ladyjustice is no prude!
However, this is not the showcase for a man of his caliber. A little class please! I guess, we do what we have to, to serve others for the greater good and let the chips fall where they may, by other tasteless individuals who “just want to sell magazines at any cost.”
The article begins with a typical event held to raise funds for his Foundation by the many friends and supporters of what was the Petit family foursome, then to a snapshot of his life currently in Plainville, followed by a the sentencing day of the first monster defendant on December 2, 2010.
It is an account that reminds this writer of a work of fiction, describing glimpses, breathing, gestures, detailed descriptions of clothing, a visceral attempt to “get into his skin.” Ladyjustice is not amused. This is no fairytale. Other passages paint a picture of the humanity of what were his former family- stories of his children.
The torture of being physically bound, seriously wounded and “not knowing, only guessing” what’s going on in the house is portrayed though Dr. Petit’s internal thoughts, back to courtroom testimony, the morning of the Memorial service (Something greater than a private service but less than a full blown extravaganza trying to accommodate the grieving public as well) with a man just out of the hospital trying to hold on.
The story traverses to the events of the day prior to the murders-the family kind of activities followed by the meeting and courtship days with his wife and lessons he tried to teach his children. The final pages treat the reader to an insightful account growing up in a working class neighborhood as seen through William Petit, Sr. in a family with several siblings, and Bill described as naturally being a self-starter, a survivor by nature (well worth the read!) 
Could such a normal boyhood existence have prepared this man for his future? Not a chance…. To be fair, Ladyjustice should ask could anyone write an account that sufficiently covers the landscape of this story?
It’s doubtful… Perhaps one or two authors, like Diane Fanning, but very few for sure!
“What’s if’s” are in the account, those tapes that play over and over in our heads, “had we or others only done things differently”,we might have our family member back in the world of the living. Ladyjustice advise, don’t do the “what ifs,” as we have enough self-torture in our lives…. Do the positive things that our family members would have done if they were here now.
***And please donate to the Petit Family Foundation. You will find no better reasons to give your time and dollars!
Link: http://www.petitfamilyfoundation.org/
“Ask Me No Questions and I’ll Tell You No Lies”
Posted by Administrator in Survivors of Homicide on January 2, 2011
There is no denying a survivor of crime’s pain no matter what form it takes, whether it is homicide, stalking, assault, domestic violence, a hate crime, home invasion, kidnapping etc., they all represent long lasting violations on the human condition.
However, as a homicide survivor, I cannot stand in judgment of those who have experienced any one of these types of crimes. For me to pre-suppose and say I have “walked in their shoes” would seem somewhat arrogant. Why….? ‘Because an apple is not identical to an orange….. My environment, education and life experience is unique unto me and therefore, I cannot say “I know what you are going through” in the true sense. But, we do have commonalities. This is what keeps me humble, for I really don’t have any idea what anyone is burdened with on a day to day basis, irrespective of crime.
It struck me when reading about someone else‘s victimization recently that I cannot embrace everyone’s pain all of the time. I am one of the most compassionate people on earth. BUT, it cannot be squandered. In the language of professional therapists, I believe they refer to “compassion fatigue,” a type of burnout, as a very real pitfall in certain professions.
I raise these issues as I want to discuss the difference between “Victim” versus “Survivor” and “Entitlement” versus “Reality.” I can personally affiliate with a number of oppressed minorities should I choose to, at any given time. These include –female, LGBT community member, physically challenged member, homicide survivor, lefty/left-handed, person surviving a ridiculous number of surgical procedures as a child…..
Given all of these minority based affiliations, I am well aware of the difference between victims versus survivor.
I caution all survivors of crime, that if we are not careful to protect our psyche, we can easily step over the line.
According to the 2010 Random House dictionary a “Victim” can be:
1) A person who suffers from a destructive or injurious action or agency: (as in a victim of an automobile accident).
2) A person who is deceived or cheated, as by his or her own emotions or ignorance, by the dishonesty of others, or by some impersonal agency: (as in a victim of misplaced confidence; the victim of a swindler; a victim of an optical illusion).
3) A person or animal sacrificed or regarded as sacrificed (as in war victims).
4) A living creature sacrificed in religious rites.
(You can judge for yourself whether these are illuminating examples of “victim hood.” DRG)
I can attest to the fact that we are sufferers of destruction and injury, deceived and cheated, at times by our own emotions and sacrificed at the expense of others’ actions.
“Survivor” definitions that apply can be:
1) A person or thing that survives.
2) A person who continues to function or prosper in spite of opposition, hardship, or setbacks.
***The second definition, ladies and gentlemen, is what we strive for and the equivalent of the “Take Back the Night” rallies.
(Such a definition appears hollow and without substance or context. DRG).
Aren’t we entitled to our rights as crime victims? Aren’t we entitled to our anger and respect? Aren’t we entitled to revenge…. Or to have our loved one back again…or our body and mind restored to health …or to feel safe again? We are entitled, aren’t we?
Contrast Entitlement with Reality, or the knowledge that life, indeed is more often “not fair” despite our best efforts. Survivors of crime eventually come to know that they cannot resolve the “why me why us” and must move on to address the “what next” instead!
So, when crime happens to you, what is your alternative? You sit around the circle of the support group and listen, or cry, or contribute. Alternately, you can become an advocate/activist or you can become stuck in your anger until it destroys the fiber of your being. You may also continue to deny, place blame on everyone else for your prolonged dysfunction or escape to a fantasy world. All of these negative responses feel like lies, as they are not “who we used to be.”
**But the bigger lie is to not place blame squarely on the perpetrator(s) and at times, the vulnerability and/ or unwise decisions of those murdered. It’s a slippery slope when you allow your emotions to become an indictment of society as a whole. You have so many conflicting emotions that you lose perspective.
In my opinion, the difference between being a victim and a survivor is huge. The key to crossing over to survivor status is motivation. I can say with certainty that we all start out as a victim- a victim of the event itself a victim of circumstances that follow, a victim of “the system.” And then, slowly but surely, if we are fortunate enough to receive support and counseling designed specifically for this experience, we see that wallowing in our own victimization ends up being worse than death itself and a luxury we cannot afford.
Rather, some of us realize that to use our grief toward positive outcomes for others is in itself immensely therapeutic…. and the only conceivable path for “a new day.”
So I say, carry on as best you can, healing more with each day looking forward and taking control of your life in the smallest of ways. To do otherwise, is giving power to the perpetrator(s) and sinking your soul into the abyss.
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